I started writing this on Tuesday:
“Fuck this shit. Fuck it hard in its Chantix asshole.
I can’t take it anymore. My sanity at the moment depends on it. I’ve spent the last two days crying. Now, whether that’s the drug messing with my already delicate brain, or just my life at the moment, or both, but either way, I can’t.
The thoughts of “it’d all be better if I wasn’t here” crept up and that’s my cue to stop taking it. I’ve played this game before and luckily, I didn’t win. And luckily, I know better now than to let that nagging voice get a hold of me like before.
I’m pissed off. I wanted this shit to work for me and to help me quit smoking once and for all, and to have those who silently look down on me for smoking to finally gain some respect for me for kicking the habit, but guess I’ll continue to disappoint for a while longer. I’m angry I smoke, I’m angry I can’t find the willpower to quit yet. I’m just angry in general.
I’m sorry for letting myself down. I’m sorry for letting everyone else down. It’s something I want to quit, it’s something that has a deeper hold on me than I realized.”
Unsettling, no? I have been at home since Monday, slowing being made to feel like I was losing my mind. Nonstop crying, barely getting any sleep, my balance was starting to get fucked up, and I couldn’t function properly.
I haven’t been on it since yesterday (Wednesday), and while I feel my proverbial grip returning, I still have my moments. I have no idea how long it takes to flush out of my system, but I hope it’s soon. This bed is great and all, and I’m reading, but I have to return to some normalcy soon. A goddamn week of erratic behavior. I guess this shit has a black box warning on it for a reason, huh?
Scratch Attempt #6 off the books. I’ll give it the ol’ college try again, I guess. I’ll also try to not let it get me down. I was so excited to try this out and finally be able to be the asshole ex-smoker who got to judge current nic stickers, but whatever. My time will come.
It might be when I’m dead from cancer, but at least I won’t be smoking.
I know that was a tasteless joke, but I’ve been an emotional tsunami for 4 fucking days. I earned it.
Thanks for trying to go on this ride with me. I’ll pack up and head out again soon.