I had so much ding-dang-dong fun doing the Proust Questionnaire from last week, and a friend of mine mentioned the one from the really old movie “Harold and Maude,” which is not to be confused with “Harold and Kumar,” I wanted to have a go at that one, as well.
Here we go! Yay!
1. Are you uncomfortable meeting new people?
Emphatically, no, but it’s a necessary evil. It makes the introvert in me pucker my butthole at the thought of meeting new people. Plus, when I do meet new folks, I clam up and don’t speak, which doesn’t give a very good impression of me. For example, when I used online dating sites, I came off as super chatty and charismatic because hello, introvert and being able to discuss myself from the privacy of my own home is like, an introvert’s wet dream and then when I actually met the fellows face-to-face, their idea of me was completely shattered. I was recently told by a friend of mine, “You’re so talkative and opinionated online, but in person, you’re very quiet.” Yeah. I know. Sucks, don’t it? Sorry.
2. Should sex education be taught outside the home?
Considering sex education wasn’t taught inside my home, yes, it should be. Fun story: when I first heard the Salt N’ Pepa song “Let’s Talk About Sex” when I was the tender age of 10, I was horrified. OHEMGEE, THEY’RE SAYING SEX ON THE RADIO.
3. Should women run for President of the United States?
Of course they should, dummy. And having said that, I announce my candidacy for President of these United States in 2016. My running mate will be a Mr. Margarita Machine and together, we will party into world peace.
4. Do you remember jokes and take pleasure in relating them to others?
I do not remember jokes and when I do try to retell one, I always fuck up the punchline. I do remember these two jokes, though: 1) Q: Why does a panda have such big nostrils? A: Because they have big fingers, and 2) Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? A: “Where’s my tractor?” (ba dum ching!)
5. Do you often get the feeling that perhaps life isn’t worth living?
Absolutely. With all the grief and strife, it seems pointless. Unnecessary wars, loves lost, the cancelling of “Arrested Development”…it makes it difficult to get up in the morning and be grateful for your life. But then, I can also be annoyingly optimistic and swear the sun is shining brighter and birds are singing sweeter than the day before and I totally rock those rose-colored glasses of mine like a goddamn champion. Being kinda bipolar is fun; I never know what side I’ll take on any given day.
6. Is the subject of sex being over-exploited by our mass media?
Sex isn’t as much as the objectification of women for the sole intention of sex. Scantily clad women in adverts trying to hawk a watch. Just once, I’d like to open a magazine and see a guy with a watch wrapped around his cock, you know? Let’s make it squaresies, shall we? But inversely, Europeans have great success using sex to drive consumerism. The reason for that is they are much more comfortable with their sexuality than Americans are and have no qualms about flashing tits or a naked man ass (mmm…naked man ass…) to sell a product. Until Americans remove the stick firmly wedged in their rears, it will continue to be an issue…which is an issue I and Mr. Margarita Machine will tackle when you vote for us in 2016!
7. Is it difficult for you to accept criticism?
Heck no. I take criticism well, mainly because I generally think of myself as always needing room for improvement. Constructive criticism is your friend. When it becomes an issue is when someone is just being a dick about it. Then y’all can go fuck yourselves.
8. Do you sometimes have headaches or backaches after a difficult day?
9. Do you go to sleep easily?
Usually, unless I feel compelled to try to solve all the world’s troubles, then it’s a bit rough.
10. Do you believe in capital punishment for murder?
Eye for an eye, right? Right? Admittedly, back in my younger, Republican-based days, I did agree with capital punishment, but then I saw the movie “Dead Man Walking” at the precocious age of 15 and it was the first movie I ever openly cried at and it ultimately changed my opinion about it, but I do waver on it still. Our legal system in inherently flawed, though. Innocent people are wrongly convicted all the time and ultimately end up dying because the appeals process can take years.
11. In your opinion, are social affairs usually a waste of time?
Oh, yes and no. My social anxiety begs me to stay home, but when I do go out, I usually end up having a good time.
12. Can God influence our lives?
Nope, trick question. There is no god. We are solely responsible for our lives.
13. Does your personal religion or philosophy include a life after death?
Double nope. This life is the only one we have.
14. Did you enjoy life when you were a child?
Sure? Up until puberty, it was great, if I recall. After puberty, my body staged an elaborate rebellion against me and life became miserable, but that’s true of everyone.
15. Do you think the sexual revolution has gone too far?
It hasn’t gone far enough.
16. Do you find the ideas of wife swapping distasteful?
In what context? Like the ABC reality series where two moms are switched to different families and everyone goes through a heart-smart journey of self-realization that “hey, this bitch really is a-okay” kind of swapping? Or like, key parties of the 70’s kind of swapping? Because that’s ew.
17. Do you have ups and downs without obvious reason?
All ups and downs are obvious when you take the time to think about the reason why you’re behaving the way you are. Unless, you’re a woman who has a hormonal imbalance and you cry at dumb shit for no reason other than your body hates you.
That was fun. I hope you had fun, too. Okay, bye!