February 15, 2014

Good afternoon.

I was writing a story earlier this afternoon for a super online publication called Pure Slush, since Matt, the creator and editor of the site seems to find me a good writer (thanks, Matt), and my father noticed me typing away and asked what I was doing.

“Well, I’m writing, father.”

“Ooh! Like writing writing? What about?”

Mildly annoyed by being disturbed while I’m in The Zone, I briefed him on what I was doing.

“You should write about how wonderful your father is,” he said with a flair of dramatics.

So, I will just because he was being sassy to me and I want to sass him back.

WHY MY DAD IS SUPER AWESOME, BY ERIN E. HOFFMEYER

MY DAD IS SUPER AWESOME BECAUSE HE’S MY DAD AND HE’S OLD BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN HE STILL ISN’T MY DAD. MY DAD IS 63 AND THAT’S LIKE, A MILLION YEARS OLD IF YOU WERE A DOG, BUT HE ISN’T A DOG, HE’S MY DAD. MY DAD HAS WHITE HAIR AND WRINKLES BECAUSE LIKE I SAID, HE’S A MILLION YEARS OLD AND PROBABLY PLAYED WITH GOD AS A KID BECAUSE HE’S THAT OLD. MY DAD WORKS WITH ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT BECAUSE HE’S SMART AND STUFF. MY DAD IS REALLY PICKY SOMETIMES AND HE LIKES TO TALK A LOT ABOUT WHY WHOLE MILK AND REAL BUTTER IS MUCH BETTER FOR YOU THAN SKIM MILK AND MARGARINE. HE SAYS IT’S BECAUSE OUR BODIES KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THAT STUFF AND NOT ALL THE CHEMICALS AND I BELIEVE HIM BECAUSE HE’S SMART. MY DAD ALSO LIKES TO DRINK BEER AND HE PUTS SALT AND PEPPER IN HIS BEER BECAUSE HE’S ALSO KIND OF WEIRD SOMETIMES. MY DAD USED TO WEAR REALLY SHORT JEAN SHORTS WHEN I WAS A KID AND ONE TIME MY OLDER BROTHER’S GIRLFRIEND COMPLIMENTED HIM ON HIS LEGS AND THEN HE ALWAYS WORE THOSE DAMN JEAN SHORTS BECAUSE HE WANTED TO SHOW OFF HIS LEGS. HE ALSO USED TO WEAR KNEE HIGH SOCKS AND HIKING BOOTS WITH HIS JEANS SHORTS SO HE KIND OF LOOKED LIKE A MEMBER OF THE VILLAGE PEOPLE. MY DAD USED TO HAVE A COOL MUSTACHE BUT HE SHAVED IT OFF ONE SUMMER AND HIS UPPER LIP WAS BRIGHT WHITE BECAUSE HE USED TO WORK OUTSIDE AND HIS FACE GOT TAN BUT NOT HIS MUSTACHE. MY DAD USED TO LOOK LIKE DONALD SUTHERLAND IN THE 70S. IT WAS COOL. MY DAD IS ALSO COOL BECAUSE HE’S LETTING ME STAY AT HIS PLACE WHILE I LOOK FOR JOBS. I REALLY APPRECIATE MY DAD LETTING ME STAY HERE BUT HE DOESN’T HAVE MUCH FOOD, JUST CANS OF TOMATO SOUP AND SARDINES IN HIS PANTRY AND I DON’T MUCH LIKE EITHER OF THOSE THINGS. I LIKE MY DAD AND AM GLAD HE’S MY DAD.

THE END.

So there, old man. Here’s your damn story. Now shut up and leave me alone and drink your beer, you soak.

As always,

E

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