September 9, 2012

I knew this was coming. I didn’t really want to write about it, because of the mentality of beating a dead horse, but then I realized it will probably most definitely be the last time I write about this topic due to it coming to an end soon.

Divorce, and the big day is on September 12, bright and early at 8:30 a.m., then to paraphrase Jesus, it will be finished.

It’s hard for me to grasp that it’s been over two years since J and I separated. Where did the time go? What have I been doing? Oh yeah, going nutso bananas crazy bonkers and the suicide attempt thing, six weeks in an outpatient alcohol facility, and several fruitless dates with very nice men, but none that have given me that same “WOW” reaction as I did when I first met J.

Because I like to torture myself, the other day, I thought about the first time I saw him and our somewhat unconventional courtship.

We both worked at a catalog call center. All of us employees sat in a room, attached to headphones, answering phone calls. J has a very distinct voice and it carried throughout the room. It’s not exactly a deep baritone like Barry White or anything, but it was noticeable. We made eye contact a few times, exchanged smiles, and he sat by me a few times, but the opportunity to strike up a conversation never really presented itself due to the nature of our work. Then, we had a training class together and he was my partner. He was cracking jokes and making me laugh the whole time and after our class was over, he asked for my number, which I gave to him. He called and ended up at my apartment…and he didn’t leave for like, three days. We just had a weird bond like that, and to be honest, we still do to an extent. We went to a movie together last weekend, for Christ’s sake. How many people do you know who hang out with the ex-husband/wife? It seems odd, and I’m sure it is to other people, but like my mom said yesterday when I was talking to her on the phone, “it’s typical Erin and Jason behavior. You two have always been like that and probably always will.”

I hope so.

Despite the anger and betrayal and feelings of worthlessness and not trying hard enough with him to make things work, it’s a little thing called “forgiveness” that has brought us to where we are today. To me, it’s just not worth it to stay angry with someone for so long. It’s pointless. Why waste all that energy hating someone?

So, there’s that, which is nice. I mean, really, the guy was my best friend for nearly ten years and I can’t imagine him not remaining a part of my life. Plus, I’m kind of the Jason Whisperer, and by that I mean he may isolate himself from other people, but he’s always willing to talk to me which is incredibly ironic because our lack of communication played a large role in our separation and impending divorce.

But that’s all in the past. Onward from here, it’s just…I don’t know. No one wants to get divorced. You see people splitting up all the time and you get that mindset of “we can make it!” and when you end up in the divorce pile, it messes with you, or it does me, at least. I am convinced I’ll be alone forever now because with all the men I’ve seen lately (Jesus Christ, that makes it sound like I’m blowing [ha!] through men left and right), I find myself comparing them to Jason which is unfair for me to do and I need to knock that shit off. I do admit that it’s gotten better lately, but I still have that niggling thought in the back of my head sometimes.

Anyway.

I do have a silver lining to this cloud: now I don’t have to have that awkward conversation with guys telling them I’m still technically married. That was always fun. But to their credit, all have been okay with it. Now I just need to get over the mentality that I’m damaged good, a pawn shop item that got traded in and no one wants, so it just sits in the corner collecting dust. Hopefully, someone will come in, brush me off and take me home. Not in like a Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs kind of way because I don’t want to be made into a lampshade if I can help it.

I guess I’m apprehensive because like I told Jason the other day, I just have this feeling that we’re forgetting to do something, like didn’t get all the papers filled out or did something wrong and when we go to the hearing Wednesday, the judge is going to deny our divorce. I have a checklist given to me by the nice woman at the courthouse that outlines all the steps necessary for the divorce, and upon last review of it, we seem to be doing everything right so far, so I’m just being a Nervous Nelly. We’ll see Wednesday.

I would like to give a big thank you to everyone who has helped me deal with this over the past two years. Without all of your love and support, I wouldn’t be where I am now, so thanks.

And that about does it for me today. Chinese food calls my name.

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