Against my better judgement, I, Erin Elizabeth Hoffmeyer Zulkoski (for a few more months), have joined a dating website.
You read that right.
My best friend sent me a text the other day saying I should give it shot to, and I quote, “flirt with guys and then make fun of them behind their backs.”
Never one to ignore the chance to ridicule someone, I signed up and right away, I felt a piece of my soul die.
Okay, it isn’t that bad, or so I thought until today.
Let me describe the site to you real quick for those that don’t know what it’s all about.
Based on the description from the iTunes App page, this particular site is “the fastest growing dating site! We use math to get you dates.”
If by math they mean asking me asinine questions about whether I would date a man who prefers Star Trek over Star Wars, then yes, the algorithm is highly and explosively mathematical. (And for the record, Star Wars all the way.)
I joined and basically, as I mentioned above, you’re asked a series of tedious questions and they match your answers compared to those on the site and give you a percentage of compatibility based on if you’re a better romantic match, better as friends, or, and this made me chuckle, enemies.
So far, my highest ranking match is at a whopping 93%. This scares me a bit because holy shit, y’all, there’s someone out there who’s that closely similar to me? YIKES. The Mayans were right…
Moving on. Whenever the site finds a good match for you, or when someone has read your profile bio and rates you based on that, they send you an email letting you know this information.
I went to the app on my phone and was browsing around the matches they found for me when I came upon one in particular and I was instantaneously horrified and wholly amused. I knew this person personally and have for many, many years and we are on non-speaking terms due to a ridiculous argument held about three years ago.
I was tickled by this find because I cannot see this fellow using any sort of dating site, but I didn’t ever think I’d be using one either, so touche, sir. But the most humorous thing was our percentage of compatibility: 90%. Ninety. Ninety freaking percent. I’m stunned by this.
Now, this guy and I don’t get along anymore, but the sick, twisted, sadistic side of me wants to be completely oblivious and totally send him a personal message saying “Hi! We seem to have a lot in common! We should meet up sometime!” because shit like that is hilarious to me.
But I won’t. I really want to, but I won’t because I don’t think he’d find this nearly as comical as I do.
And I”m not really serious about using this site for anything much more than entertainment value. Watch, I say that now and I’ll totally be married next year at this time to a guy I met on the site.
Stranger things have happened.
For now, I’ll just continue answering dumb questions, flirting with a few guys I think are cute, and then make fun of the poor bastards, just as God intended for me to do.