The End Is The Beginning Is The End.

And now for something completely normal for me: constantly bumping the heart that is on my sleeve against the kitchen counter. It’s starting to smart a bit.

I write this post the eve of meeting up with my estranged husband to finally discuss our long overdue plans to divorce. It’ll be two years come July 12, and if I may be crude for a moment, it’s time to shit or get off the marriage pot.

What’s the hold up been?

Well, financial reasons have been a huge factor for both of us. It’s e’spensive to get divorced, yo. Second, plain ol’ forgetfulness for me, until the topic does manage to work itself into conversation and I go, “oh snap, I am still married, aren’t I?” Apathy, I know thy name well and have you on speed dial on my phone.

Why the sudden kick in the proverbial pants? Well, aside from my father asking every g.d. time I see him when I’m going to get divorced (second most annoying topic: “you’re taking your maiden name back, right?”), it’s the starting to date thing. I’ve had to awkwardly explain to a few very nice gentlemen that no only do I consider myself a geek, I like to write, and oh yeah, I’m still technically and legally married.

Oopsies.

So, I sent J a very nice email last week stating we should probably meet up and get this issue resolved, to which he replied–and I’m not going to lie, this shocked me–“yeah, I’m finally financially comfortable enough to help take care of this.”

Jesus wept, where was this guy when we were married? Oh, that’s right; too busy with the damn video games. It’s all flooding back now.

Honestly, I’m pleasantly surprised by this from him and am jumping at the chance to get this taken care of.

However, I had a bit of a revelation of sorts: as much as this needs to happen, like, yesterday, it’s still making me sad.

Why sad?

Because this will be the final piece of the puzzle that is a failed marriage. This finalizes things. It feels like I’m losing him all over again and I did NOT deal with that well the first time around. I guess that’s why I’m kind of scared to go through with this: what if those old feelings of worthlessness and utter failure return to me? I’ve done well lately and I’m nervous this will set me back a few hundred steps.

Despite our marriage ending…and the considerable trash talking I do…I still care for the man. He was my life for 10 years. There is no switch to turn off to make you forget about someone, despite how desperately I’ve wished for said switch. He was a part of me for so long, and by finalizing this divorce, that part of me will go away, too. It’s intimidating and in all honesty, scary as fuck.

Please don’t misunderstand me: I’m in no way, shape or form hoping for a reconciliation. Not at all. I like the guy, but yeah. We’re split up for a reason. I do, however, want him still in my life. He may not be my husband anymore, but we’ve grown to become friends again, and it’s just going to be…odd to see him in that light now. He won’t be my husband anymore, just my friend, J. That’s surreal to me on a lot of crazy levels.

So, I’m working myself up into a great big tizzy over this and he even asked me, “is this going to be weird?” Uh…yeah, it is. It’s going to be all sorts of weird, but it’ll be okay. I think. I hope. I need a drink.

That’s all for now. I’ll probably write again tomorrow night after our encounter because I can tell my brain is going to all “yyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeoooooooowwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!”

Until then,

E

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4 thoughts on “The End Is The Beginning Is The End.

  1. Stay strong, Erin. You are anything but worthless. This is an end–and a sad one, yes–but also a new beginning. Have confidence in yourself. You affect people, positively, more than you could know.

  2. It seems pretty civil. A lot more than the divorce that my wife had to go through. Partially my fault there I guess. Keep it together. It will turn out alright. Peace.

  3. It might be better to think of it as a marriage that wasn’t meant to last forever, and is now complete. A learning experience. Here are some ideas I had about relationships and marriage when some friends of mine were going through their divorce.

    I will be with you so long as I can find my happiness in making you happy.

    If it doesn’t work anymore, try to fix it. If it can’t be fixed, let it go, and treasure it for what it was.

  4. Much of what you’re going through is akin to grieving, as in the loss of a Loved One. Except he’s not dead (unless he’s a Zombie, and I don’t think we wanna head down this road…) so when the grieving seems about over, there he is again and…well, shit. Lather, rinse and repeat.

    You will get through this. I managed to do it twice. 🙂

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