Mawwige Is What Bwings Us Togevar Today

Getting hitched. Taking the plunge. Tying the knot. Settling down.

Marriage.

I was married once. It wasn’t a celebrity farce of wedding that lasted less than a year, either. It was a legit marriage of almost eight years. I know, right? People are often taken a-back when I say I “was” married and for how long. I guess my chubby cheeks and baby face throws them off.

I got married when I was twenty-one years old and we split up when I was twenty-nine…actually, it was a week after my birthday, so happy belated present to me! Yay!

Nah, I kid, actually. Being married was fun. I loved it. I mean, I was with my best friend constantly and we got presents from people and there was a fancy party with pretty clothes and cake! Who doesn’t love cake? I love cake and I assume you love cake, too.

But, like most things in life, all good things must come to an end; I just didn’t realize that my marriage would end so soon, but as much as I’m loathe to use this term because it’s horribly cliché, but things happen for a reason.

I had a discussion about marriage today and it’s been on my mind lately because an old high school friend is getting married in two weeks and part of me is trying to come up with elaborate plans to ruin the wedding. I asked my roommate how upset he thinks our friend will be if I stand up during the ceremony and throw a flaming bucket of tar at the happy couple? He said they might be a bit upset.

Spoil sport.

Even though I had a blast while married–well, for about 6 of the 8 years it was fun–I still cringe and recoil in horror when I hear someone is getting married. “Why?” I ask myself. “Why put yourself through that?”

I’ve convinced myself I’m not getting married again, for several reasons:

1. I’m put off by the romantic notion of it. Yes, I’m letting my one sour experience ruin the whole bunch. Get over it.

2. We spent so much freaking money on getting married. So much. And for what? A few hours of pomp and circumstance and family/friends you haven’t seen in years mooching free food, getting drunk off the open bar and dancing like idiots to “Ice Ice Baby”?

3. The religious connotation of getting married. “It’s a sacred union created by God.” Well, super. I’m an atheist, so…yeah. Not a huge deal since people have non-denominational weddings all the time, but it goes against every little girl’s dream of getting married in a big church and all that happy crappy.

Basically, friends, what I’m trying to say is this: if you’re getting married, that’s good for you. I’m happy for you that you found someone you’re willing to put up with, but let me pose this question to you all: why do you need a piece of paper professing your love for your mate? If you love someone, love them and be with them. Don’t let societal standards dictate your lives. I mean, look at Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn! Or Susan Surrandon and Tim Robbins! Grant it, I don’t think either couple are still together, but they were for over twenty years and weren’t married.

Okay, those were probably bad examples, but are you mowin’ what I’m growin’ here? Good.

Plus, and Jeebus forbid you one of the couples that does get divorced, but getting divorced is a pain the ASS. Honestly. I’ve never dealt with such legal hoobajoob in my life, and my ex and I don’t have kids or any shared assets together and it’s still a pain in the ass. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have to put up with that crap along with wanting to be free from the other person. Yeesh.

Basically friends, what I’m trying to say is don’t get married. Don’t do it.

“But Erin, I want a wedding dress and for my fiancé to wear a tuxedo and to have a reception with dancing!”

I hear you, I hear what you’re saying, but seriously–don’t do it. If you’re hellbent on dressing up and dancing, go out to J.C. Penney’s and buy yourself a nice frock and then out to dinner or something. Don’t spend thousands upon thousands of dollars when a few hundred will suffice. Take it from me. I’m smart and shit.

I don’t mean to come off as the bitter and jaded old hag who has a hunch back, a glass eyeball and missing half of my teeth and is cursing marriage. I’m just cursing marriage, but as is all things in life, it’s your choice and if you choose to do it, do it well. If things get tough, work on them, don’t squander it.

And I better be invited to the wedding. I love to dance.

As always,

E

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