The Salty Chef

I think I have found my calling in life…again…
I love to cook, yet rarely get the chance to cook since it’s just me and I always end up making more food than what is considered polite for a woman of my social status to have. But when I do cook, I cook like a goddamned fiend and the results are always sexy good.
It’d be awesome to have my own cooking show, but I’d never be able to have one due to my filthy mouth, but if I did have one, I’d call it “The Salty Chef” because that’s funny. Think of me like being Paula Deen…only without the diabetes, the Southern heritage, and millions of dollars from my popular restaurant, book deals and cookware line.
Anyway, until the world is ready for a foul-mouthed, down-home chef like myself, this blog will have to do.
So, don your funny-looking chefs hats and aprons: it’s time to get cookin’!
(note: these are all real recipes that make real food that’s real good. Really.)
SMOKY MOUNTAIN CASSEROLE
Step one: find John Denver’s classic hit “Rocky Mountain High” and play whilst preparing.
2 cups cooked rice (remember: 1 cup uncooked rice will make rice babies and become 2 cups cooked rice)
1 (one) can (can) cream of chicken soup (soup)
1 eight ounce carton sour cream
2 cups cooked chicken, cubed
2 chipotle peppers in adobo sauce. Chop them shits up, son. (Note: chipotle peppers in adobo sauce can be found in the “ethnic” aisle of your local food mart. Fun fact: chipotle peppers are really smoked jalapeno peppers! It’s fun to learn!)
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
In a 9 x 13 baking pan, mix all your shit together until all mixed up and shit. Bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes until your shit is bubbly and browned. Eat the shit out of it. Sit in your room and cry because you miss John Denver.
E’S MOTHERFUCKING AMAZING CHICKEN ENCHEECHEE’S
(NOTE: Uh, I always kinda just guesstimated ingredient portions, so…yeah)
Flour tortillas
3-4 chicken breasts, cooked and cut the fuck up
2 cans cream of chicken soup
2 cans diced green chilies, or if you’re feeling saucy, jalapeno peppers. I KNOW, RIGHT?!
1 eight ounce dude of sour cream
2 cup shredded cheese
Cook the chicken. Don’t argue with me, just cook it. Cut it the fuck up. To the chicken, add to the pan one (1) can cream of chicken soup, one (1) can green chilies OR THOSE CRAZY JALAPENO PEPPERS, and 4 ounces sour cream. Heat through.
MEANWHILE, IN GOTHAM CITY….I learned early on that rolling each tortilla into enchilada shape was dumb and a waste of time and the only reason I did it like that in first place was to impress my then-husband with my superior rolling things up into tortillas skill, but as many things did in our marriage, I gots reaaaaaaal lazy and essentially said, “fuck that noise,” so that’s when I started layering a few torillas on the bottom of the pan and then just dumping the chicken mixture over it and then put another layer of tortillas on top. So, what I’m trying to say is, get a big ass pan and layer like, 4 tortillas on the bottom. And marriage is stupid.
DUMP THE CHICKEN MIXTURE OVER THE TORTILLAS AND THEN ADD ANOTHER LAYER OF TORTILLAS NOW. THIS IS NOT A TEST.
In the same pan you made the filling, put the other can of soup, chilies and remaining sour cream. Mix together and when blended, add the cheese to the mixture and stir until the cheese is melted. Once that’s done, pour this cheesy goddamn goodness over the tortillas. Cover the pan with foil and bake for…30 minutes at 350 degrees? Sure.
As an exciting addition to your Mexican fiesta, you may want to add some accoutrements to make this shit all authentic. I enjoy some refried black beans and Spanish rice from a box because nothing says “authentic Mexican fiesta” then Rice-A-Roni, Spanish-style. You may also want maragitas. No, in fact, you’re going to want maragitas. Hell, just skip making the enchiladas all-together and just get shitfaced on margs. Ole!
BREAKFAST LOAF OF SUPREME MOTHERFUCKING AWESOMENESS
Round loaf of bread of your desire, e.g. sourdough, pumpernickel, etc. Pro tip: banana bread is not recommended for this recipe because GROSS.
6 large eggs
Salt N’ Peppa
6 oz deli ham lunch meat
1 cup of shredded cheese. Go nuts, kid. Want mozzarella? Use mozzarella. Want extra sharp cheddar? Use extra sharp cheddar. The world is your cheese oyster.
1/2 red pepper, cut into strips
1 tomato, sliced.
Beat the eggs and add Salt N’ Peppa. Bust a dance move.  Cook the eggs and scramble the shit out of ’em. Set aside. Cut the top off your bread and scoop the guts out, leaving about 1/2 inch thick shell. Start layering all the ingredients like a lasagna, if you will–like a delicious breakfast lasagna. Put the bread top back on and wrap the bread in foil. Bake 30 minutes at 350 degrees. OMNOMNOMNOM.
Erin, wait! What do I do with the bread guts? Motherfucker, really? “What do I do with bread guts?” Uh, how about you fucking eat that shit, dumbass. Or put it in a baggie and walk down to your local park and feed the ducks or small children, that’s what you do with the fucking guts. Jesus Christ…
‘HEY FOOL, GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT, IT’S NACHO PIE!”
1 pound ground beef, or if you’re a hippie, ground turkey
1/2 an onion, chopped
1 can tomato sauce…uh…I don’t know the ounces. The little can, so what, 4 ounces?
2 tablespoons taco seasoning
1 tube crescent rolls
2 cups crushed Nacho Cheesier Doritos, dude
1 cup sour cream
shredded cheese
Cook the beef and onion until meat is brown; drain. Stir in the tomato sauce and taco seasoning and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer gently. GENTLY. GENTLY. Meanwhile, back at the Fortress of Solitude, separate the crescent dough into eight triangles; place in a greased pie plate and press the dough to make it like a pie crust. Sprinkle half the chips over the crust, top with meat mixture. Carefully spread sour cream over meat and sprinkle with leftover chips and cheese. Bake for 25 minutes at 350 degrees. Ole again!
POOP SOOP
(IMPORTANT MESSAGE: This soup is aptly named because you will take one of the biggest, bestest bowel movements ever after eating this. Why? Asshole, it has over 25 grams of fiber in one serving. ONE SERVING OF THIS SOUP HAS YOUR ENTIRE DAILY TOTAL FIBER. MIND–AND ASS–EXPLOSION.)
1 onion, chopped
1 celery rib, chopped
1 carrot, chopped
2 cloves garlic
1 fifteen ounce can stewed tomatoes
1 bunch kale, chopped
1 package turkey polska kielbasa sausage, your buttcheeks is warm
2 fifteen ounce cans chicken broth
1/3 cup water
1 cup dried lentils, rinsed and picked over for stones and rubies and diamonds and gold
1/2 teaspoon oregano
1/4 teaspoon cumin
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 tablespoon Worshcchshechesthershichershire sauce
In a large soup pot, cook onion, celery, carrot, garlic until vegetables are tender. Add the sausage and cook some more. Stir in the broth, water, lentils and spices. Bring to a boil and then reduce heat and simmer for 30 minutes or until lentils are done. Stir in the tomato, Worshshshshshsterchsire sauce and kale. Cook until kale is kind of wilty.
PREPARE TO POOP.
STUFFED GREEN PEPPERS
4 large green peppers
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 cup cooked brown rice
1 pound ground beef or turkey…fuckin’ hippie…
1 pound sliced fresh mushrooms
1 can tomato sauce
1 eight ounce can sliced olives
1 tablespoon Italian seasoning
Salt N’ Peppa’s here, Salt, Salt, Salt N’ Peppa’s here
1/4 Parmesan cheese
Cut tops off peppers, scoop out the guts (note: instead of throwing the tops of the peppers away like a wasteful dumdum, I chop them up and add them to the mixture because I am reducing my green pepper carbon footprint). In a large skillet, brown meat; add onion and chopped green pepper, mushrooms, olives, Italian season, and Salt N’ Peppa and Parmesan cheese. Mix well, then add the rice. Mix some more, because I know how much you love to mix. Now, you can either cut the peppers in half or leave them whole. Whatever works for you, kid. Regardless, put peppers in a large baking dish and fill the peppers with the meat/rice mixture and sprinkle with some more Parmesan cheese if you weren’t too overzealous with it in your meat mixture. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes or until peppers are soft. Mazel tov!
MACARONI AND CHEESE THAT WILL MAKE YOU CREAM YOUR JEANS
One package of elbow macaroni. You know why they call it “elbow” macaroni? Because if you fuck up cooking this pasta, I will put an elbow to your face. It’s called AL DENTE, NOT AL MUSHY FUCKING PASTA, ASSHOLE.
one pound sausage. You can use hot Italian, good ol’ breakfast sausage, chicken sausage…go nuts. Use whatever animal protein you choose. I used hot pork sausage because I was feeling cantankerous and I just wanted a chance to say “hot pork sausage.”
1/4 cup butter
1/2 cup flour
2 cups milk
2 cups shredded cheese. Again, go fucking nuts crazy here. I prefer the tangy zip of extra sharp Wisconsin cheddar, but if you’re much of a wussy to handle that kind of cheese, go for the mild cheddar. I thought about using Meunster once. I also thought about killing a man, but we don’t always give in to our desires.
In a large soup pot, boil water and prepare the pasta according to the package directions. Meanwhile, prepare your animal protein. If you’re awesome like I am, you should be able to time it so your pasta is done and needs draining just as your animal protein is fully cooked. I may be some sort of genius. Drain your noodle, and then drain the pasta (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!!). Add the pasta back to the pan and toss in your animal protein. Let them chill out for a few minutes while you’re making the cheese sauce, which I will elaborate upon now.
Making the cheese sauce is going to take some skill. I hope you’re ready for this intense few minutes. Why is it so intense? Because you have to go pretty rapid fire in order to make a good sauce. Plus, you run the risk of burning both your butter and milk and if you’ve never burnt milk before, don’t start, unless the smell of sour milk and farts is one that is pleasing to you, then in that case, knock yourself out, ace.
Heat a skillet to medium-high. Add butter and melt. Now, this is important. Let the butter get a bit brown, but be careful not to burn it. Add 1/2 cup flour and whisk together until you have like, a clump of flour and butter. Slowly pour in 2 cups milk and whisk like a mad man. I mean it. You don’t want any clumps in this motherfucker, so you whisk until you don’t think you can whisk any more, but you’re going to have to keep whisking because you’re life and the lives of everyone around you depends on it. The sauce will start to thicken and you’ll know you’ve done a superb job and the sauce is almost ready when you start to leave trails in the sauce as you mix. What? No, seriously–think of your sauce as the Red Sea and your whisk as Moses. You should be able to draw your whisk through the sauce and it will stay separated. Once you have reached this step, now is time for the cheese. Pour that shit in and mix until melted and you want to pour the sauce over your naked body because it looks that good. But I will advise against pouring the scalding hot cheese sauce over your body. Instead, pour it into your pasta/meat pot and mix until every single molecule of pasta is doused in cheese sauce.
That’s it. You’re done. Foodgasm away.
I hope you have enjoyed cooking with The Salty Chef. Please join me next week as I make an Indian dal that will leave a Bollywood movie of taste in your gob; a super cheesy and not-at-all-good-for-you chowder; and I will explore the depths of an old church cookbook that features several recipes using squirrel meat.
Thanks for reading and as always, keep your stick on the ice.
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