Dealing With Me

My inner feminist is probably screaming at me right now, and rightly so.

I never wanted to be one of those women who think they needed a man to make themselves feel whole or complete. But the more I get older, the more I realize this is true. Allow me to elaborate.

I’m by nature, a caring, giving person. Once I break down my barrier and trust you completely, you have me for life. I won’t waver or falter. You can depend on me for anything, be it a sympathetic ear or shoulder to cry on. My only want is that you give the same courtesy to me in return.

I am dealing with some issues as of late, namely the immense loneliness I feel. Sure, I have my close-knit group of friends and my family, and I love them all and appreciate them always being there for me. What I miss is someone I can hold and love in an intimate way that my friends and family can’t give to me. I want someone to nurture. I want to hold you close and make you feel loved and wanted. This is the greatest feeling in the world to me and I miss it.

I miss it a lot, actually.

Loving someone so completely and with ever fiber of your self and knowing they return those feelings? I envy those of you who have that and hope that I have that again some day, too. While my ex-husband and I had our issues, we had a loving relationship for many years. He allowed me to treat him this way and I enjoyed every single second of it. Holding the person you love in your arms is sometimes more powerful than any words you can ever say to them. I want that again. I need that again.

Before I continue, I’ll apologize now for the random thoughts that will pop up throughout the post. It happens.

I’ll continue.

Another thing I miss and really, when I think about it, have never been able to fully explore is a deep, meaningful conversation with someone.

I am an introvert. I know some people with laugh and scoff at this statement, but I really am. I seem out-going and bold and all those things that everyone associates with a Type A extroverted personality, but I am Type B introvert all the way. I can be shy and withdrawn and as I’ve tried to explain to someone recently, I need alone time to decompress and unwind.

I likened myself to a sponge: I absorb everyone’s emotions, as well as deal with my own, which, holy shit…that’s quite the load to bear sometimes. I need an hour or two to myself to take in all of this and process these emotions. This is where it gets confusing: “but you say you want to be around someone and give them constant attention, how can you say you want to be left alone sometimes?”

Good question. Excellent question, actually.

I can’t explain it…but I’ll try.

I’ll use my ex as an example. For the most part, we led separate lives, meaning our interests never really matched up. He was most content playing video games and talking about video games and comic books and your stereotypical geek hobbies. I claim to be a geek as well, but I could really give a shit about that stuff, but because I loved him, I’d listen attentively to what he had to say. He’d be in front of the television, blowing people up and going on missions through forests to find the missing scrolls of Eldermore or whatever the hell kind of games he would play, and instead of leaving him alone in his gaming world, I’d want to be near him, so I’d sit quietly on the couch behind him and read or write, and that worked for us. We were each doing our own thing, but yet, we were together and I crave that again.

To the man that I allow to get close to me, be warned: you are in for a hell of a wild ride.

Again, I’ll explain.

While I am caring, I am also extremely emotional. I run the gambit daily from feeling bliss to utter sadness and everywhere in between. It’s intimidating, to be honest with you. But if you can’t deal with me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best, and sadly, that was the case with my ex. I understand living with someone like myself isn’t easy. It’s probably exhausting, to say the least. But you know what, I am worth the grief. If you can’t realize that and can’t deal with it, then fuck right off. I don’t need you to make me feel like a freak for being this way. If you truly love me and want to be with me, you’ll accept me as I am and learn to roll with punches.

And that kind of brings me back to the beginning. It’s not that I need a man in my life to complete me…I need the right kind of man to complete me.

To those who have tried: I appreciate your efforts and you’re brave men.

To those who will try: consider this blog a bit of a freebie and a sneak-peek at what you’ll be dealing with. If you’re man enough to handle it, I’ll make it worth your while.

Okay, the buzz from my earlier alcohol consumption is starting to wear off, so I’ll leave you be.

Good night.

As always I remain,

E

 

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