It’s In The Stars, Baby…

What’s your sign?

Oh, astrology, you silly bitch. I have such a love/hate relationship with astrology. Being a fairly intelligent, well-rounded individual, I like to read my horoscope, even though I know it’s based on generalities that anyone can find some sort of truth in: “you can be moody and difficult to be around at times.” OH MY GOD, THAT’S AMAZING, HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?! THAT’S SO TRUE!!

See? But then there are some things that make even the skeptic in me go “huh.”

According to the sun, moon, stars and Miss Cleo, I’m a Cancer. A crab. And for the immature among us, the symbol is “69” which we all know is funny for a lot of reasons.

And now, Fun With The Zodiac, courtesy of*:

*Author’s note: I copy and pasted this bitch and have not changed anything this website wrote, so hopefully you don’t think I’m a terrible, shitty writer with poor use of punctuation and grammar, because good gravy, there are some doozies in here. End note.

Cancer Strengths:

– Loyalty
– Dependable
– Caring
– Adaptable
– Responsive

These are pretty accurate. I’m a loyal friend and you can count on me, baby. I’m caring/nurturing; after all, I work in healthcare. It’s kind of a requirement. Adaptability, sure. Responsive, okay.

Cancer Weaknesses:

– Moody
– Clingy
– Self-pitying
– Oversensitive
– Self-absorbed

Moody? Yes. I am. Clingy? Yes. Self-pitying? Sure. Over-sensitive? I can be. Self-absorbed? Sometimes.

Cancer and Independence:

Cancer is the astrology sign that is packed full of contradictions, so when it comes to independence, they possibly can or can not be independent. On one side, they have the perseverance and drive to do what needs to be done. They are self-sufficient and do not need to depend on other people for the material and physical things in life. On the other hand, they depend on people for emotional support and encouragement. A Cancer that is not fully self-actualized will need the constant support of others and will not be very independent but the Cancer that is ‘evolved’ and has properly harnessed their emotional issues will be wildly successful as an independent human being. They crave attention and comfort from other people and they are happiest when they have a small, close knit group of friends or family.

This made me chuckle, mostly because it’s poorly worded and makes no sense whatsoever. I’m independently dependent? Or I’m dependent upon my independibility? OR I’m depending upon my independence to make a dependent independence for the dependibility? It is true, however, about the attention seeking nature, because LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME!!

Cancer and Friendship:

Cancer is extremely loyal to those who appreciate and support them, they are the nurturer of the zodiac and will protect and cherish the person for a long time. One of the greatest things about Cancer is their ability to make others feel good about themselves and loved. This is because instead of doing this for themselves, they project this onto other people. This is a positive cycle because in making others feel nurtured, wanted and loved, they in return feel good for making someone feel good. Other people can lean on and depend on cancer, they will listen to people’s problems and help them however they will rarely express their own deep feelings to anyone. People who want to share deep emotional thoughts and opinions with a Cancer might feel that the scales are tipped on one side for cancer will rarely reveal it’s true deep feelings. A friend of Cancer is usually a lifelong devoted friend that can be trusted.

Five simple words: me love you long time. 

Cancer and Business:

Once cancer resolved their emotional issues such as shyness and insecurity, the powerful character will shine though, there is practically nothing they can’t do. They have incredible perseverance and will stand up for what they believe in. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake. They are excellent business people and investors because of their intuitive and psychic ability and their creative forward thinking mind, they are able to predict future trends. They attract wealth very well and know where to invest. Money and financial well being is very important to Cancer and this can help their drive in business. They need financial security and if they allow themselves to properly focus their energy and do not allow their emotions to over take them, they are more then capable of obtaining their financial goals and being incredibly successful business people.

Once Cancers get over their emotional baggage, shyness and insecurities, we’re unstoppable, like a runaway train. And we’re rich, bitch! So, like a runaway money train. I admit, I need to tap into this resource because homegirl be broke right now. And honestly, the thought of me being a successful business person is hysterical. Buy! Sell! Trade! Buy that and then sell it! Trade that with that thing and then sell it and trade it!

Cancer Temperament:

They are complex, fragile, unpredictable and temperamental and need constant support and encouragement, more then any other astrology signs, Cancer needs to be needed. Even when all needs are satisfied, they can be irritable and cranky. They have an uneasy, delicate temperament. The contradictory nature of Cancer gives their temperament the wild mood swings and possible temper tantrums. They are easily offended and will sulk and wallow in self pity for a long time when they get hurt.

I should keep track of how often the words “temperament” and “contradiction” are used. It’s a lot. Anyway, yes, I’m complex. Ask my ex-husband. On a serious note, the part about being needed is actually very true. I want you to want me. Please. However, I don’t think I sulk or wallow. I’m not a pig, for Christ’s sake. I do blame myself for things that aren’t in my control, though. Huh. 

Cancer Deep Inside*:

*Author’s note: sounds like a porn title. I digress.

It is difficult for cancer to open up and have a close emotionally fulfilled relationship with someone because they are so closed off emotionally and physically to the world. This is driven by their fear of trust, Cancer has a difficult time trusting people. This causes built up anger and resentment inside, the contradictory nature really takes a toll on them and they can have a negative outlook on life, thinking that life is just too hard and miserable. This is unfortunate because when good experiences are to be had, they are skeptical of people and their surroundings and they experience tunnel vision due to their depressed outlook and they miss the nice things and happy experiences in life that make it worth living. In addition to lack of trust for people, Cancer is deeply sensitive and easily hurt, this is other reason why they have their defense shell in place, to avoid being hurt by others. Cancer lives in the past. They hold past events close to them and often dwell on the past. They have to learn to let go and live in the present instead of spending their time being sick with nostalgia. Cancer has a lot of emotional issues to deal with but once they overcome this large hump of shyness and insecurity, there is practically nothing they can’t do. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake. Cancer is constantly feeling, feelings and emotions are hallmarks of this sign and this is the root of their problems, human beings are not as evolved in the emotional area and this is where cancer gets the brunt of their problems. They are the ones who have to cope with their strong feelings more so then any other sign. Once properly harnessed, there is nothing that is this powerful astrology sign can not accomplish. Harmony is very important to Cancer, it keeps them happy. Conflict of any kind causes great distress. Deep inside, Cancer is a very powerful sign, they have the ability to stand up for what they think is right and they have lots of perseverance and can be fine on their own provided they don’t let their emotions get the better of them and have the stability they need. They are not fond of change but they have the ability to do what needs to be done, they are not pushovers or lazy people.

Repetition aside, this paragraph also offers some valid points. I don’t like sharing my feelings with people face-to-face. I’d rather write about it. There is one person in this world who bitchslaps me into talking and that’s my mother because she’s a bitch like that. Side note: I love my mommy. Trust issues, yeah yeah yeah, negative outlook on life, depressed…goddamn. And I swear to Yahweh, if I read the phrase “defense shell” one more time, I’m going to go medieval on someone. Oh! Look at me being moody! Cancer characteristic! BOOYA!! I will say that the bit about Cancers being constantly emotional is a huge issue and having to cope with them is a motherfucker because it is. Some have accused me of not caring about them, but on the contrary, I’m dealing with YOUR emotions as well as my own and it is so goddamned tiring that I…go into my shell…(punches self in head for saying that phrase). 

Cancer In A Nutshell*:

*Help! I’m in a nutshell! How’d I get into this giant nutshell!

Cancer is a mysterious sign, filled with contradictions. They want security and comfort yet seek new adventure. They are very helpful to others yet sometimes can be cranky and indifferent. Cancer has a driving, forceful personality that can be easily hidden beneath a calm, and cool exterior. The crab is Cancer’s ruling animal and it suits them well, they can come out of their shell and fight but they can also hide in their shell of skitter away back into the depths of the ocean. They are very unpredictable. With cancer, there is always something more that meets the eye, for they are always partially hidden behind the shell. They are a have a deep psyche and intuitive mind that is hidden from the world. Cancer is deeply sensitive and easily hurt, this might be why they have their defense shell in place, to avoids being hurt by others. They are nurturers so they surround themselves with people, whom after a while can offend or hurt a cancer without even knowing they did so, therefore Cancer’s protective shell keeps them safe from hurt. They are complex, fragile, unpredictable and temperamental and need constant support and encouragement, more then any other astrology signs, Cancer needs to be needed. When cancer gets the support it needs, it has a tremendous amount to offer in return. When cancer gets offended, they tend to sulk instead of confronting the persons face to face. This needlessly prolongs the pain and suffering. Cancer is very possessive, not just with material possessions but with people as well. Cancer will always want to stay in touch with old friends and anyone who has ever been close to them, because it is easier to maintain a friendship then attempt to learn to trust a new person. It is easier this way for them emotionally. If you befriend a Cancer, you will stay friends for a long time. Cancer makes the perfect mother, this is the sign that represents motherhood. They have unconditional love and caring more so then any other astrology sign. Cancer are very intuitive. Most of the psychics of the world are Cancer astrology signs. They have an excellent memory and are very observant and can read people very well. They can usually tell of other people’s intentions are good or not. Never dupe a Cancer, they can see your motives. Cancer has a lot of emotional issues to deal with but once they overcome this large hump of shyness and insecurity, there is practically nothing they can’t do. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake.

I like being called mysterious. It makes me feel like I’m…a…mystery. That wasn’t well thought out. And oh, hey look at that: contradictions makes its eleventy twelfth appearance. I AM tragically cool and hip and calm, that’s pretty spot-on. Also, I’m thinking of taking my shell into the body shop to get some sweet flames painted on it. And if you guys haven’t caught on yet, Cancers are intuitive. I don’t know if that’s been mentioned yet. I’m not going to lie–I read this paragraph and all I see is “temperamental shell protective shell temperamental shell protective shell shell temperamental shell protective temperamental shell.” Oh, but then we talk about unconditional love and how Cancers make good mothers which is interesting to me. Regular readers know that I’m in the midst of a weird lady bits thing where I’m not sure if I can ever become with child, which honestly, that tears me up inside. I want kids, I do. Ideally, I’d like to grow my own, but if I were to meet someone who already owns a kid or two, that’d be totally cool with me. I do not have a good memory. Let me rephrase that–I do and I don’t. I can recall the most bizarre shit, but yet can get up from my desk at work and start walking towards the door with something to do in mind, but once I reach the door, I’ll stop and go, “what the hell was I doing?” Scary, huh? Observant, I am. I love to people watch. Ever been to the Denver International Airport? Primo people watching there, friends. AND I GET IT. CANCERS ARE EMOTIONAL. SWEET JESUS CHRIST. Now, just for the fuck of it, I’m going to start highlighting the word “intuition” because I’m a douchebag like that.

Cancer Love, Sex and Relationships and What’s It’s Like To Date A Cancer Woman:

The Cancer woman is a very sensual woman with deep emotions and passion brewing underneath the exterior. To reach these will require time, patience and tenderness. Do not expect to have her open up to you right away and jump into a relationship. She will not make the first move and will not be forward with you, you have to do all the work. Do not try to lead her on because Cancer woman is very in-tune with a persons motivations and she will see right through you. Trust is the single most important thing to Cancer. If you ever betray her trust, you might as well move on. She needs love and security. Cancer is the perfect woman for the man who loves to sweep a woman off her feet with romance. She is sensual, sweet and flirty and you two will engage in a gentle, flirtatious dance together while the relationship builds. Once there is a solid, secure foundation, the richness of the relationship will emerge. She is old fashioned, feminine and sensual and patient, if you are the man who can give her what she wants, a relationship with a Cancer woman is wholesome and rewarding and can last a lifetime.

Men, take note please. In fact, print this out, laminate it and keep it tucked into your wallet and pull it out (HA!) for a quick reference whenever you’re stumped by me. I’m not kidding. I’ll wait while you do so. But what’s “romance”? Does that exist? That happens? I loved my ex-husband for many reasons, otherwise, I wouldn’t have married the turd, but in the romance department, brother was lacking and holy cow, if someone where to be all romantical and shit with me and be sincere about it, not just do it because you think you have to, I’ll melt. True story. 

How To Attract A Cancer*:

*Coming to CBS this Fall, the hilarious new sitcom “How To Attract A Cancer,” starring Courtney Cox as Cancer! Fridays, only on CBS.

You must be direct, Cancer will not. Let your feelings for them be known, this is the first step to initiating a relationship with a Cancer. This way, will not have to risk rejection, one of their biggest fears. If you are looking for a short fling, be straight with them. Do not lead them on to thinking there is long term commitment is there is none because you will hurt these emotionally delicate people. Trust is the most important. Build trust with them and they will gradually get closer to you. Give them approval and compliments but be careful because they will easily sense when you are complimenting them just for the sake of it. Be sincere. Ask Cancer for advice, share your problems (but don’t burden them), they enjoy helping people and giving advice. They like culture and lavish experiences. Take them to a play or museum and a fancy, upscale restaurant. Do not force Cancer into a relationship or make them make a decision on the spot. They will shy away from you. Have patience, this is the key to attracting a Cancer. Be physical with them, they love genuine affection. They are very cautious and as time passes, they will slowly grow closer to you and you will have wonderful, fulfilling relationship.

True. All of it. I can’t even crack any jokes about this because the truth hurts me. Oh wait, I just read the fancy, upscale restaurant part. That’s nice and all, but I’m from rural Nebraska, bitches. Give me a steak and throw in a good action movie with blood and guts and lots of swearing, and I’ll be set.

Cancer Erogenous Zone:

The greatest erogenous zone for Cancer is the chest and the breasts. Both women and men respond well to light sucking and kissing of the nipples. You must caress these areas delicately and softly. Never be rough. Stroke your fingers through Cancer man’s chest hair, lightly and gently this will ignite the firey passion hidden behind the shell.

[shoulders back, chest forward, fluffs up boobies] I DO DECLARE BULLSHIT ON BEING GENTLE. Sex is no fun unless you get some bite marks and bruises on you. Slap my ass. Wait…what? 

Sex With Cancer:

Cancer is very physical. Expect sex with Cancer to be a fully encompassing sexual experience. Lots of tender foreplay, massages afterwards, candles lit by the bedside, soft music in the background, delicious scented potpourri, everything to appeal to all senses. It will be delicate and passionate and an experience you won’t soon forget. To not expect too much novelty and experimentation because Cancer is a very conservative sign. Some Cancer people might be willing to try something new but they will never be the ones to suggest it, you have to or it will never happen. They might go along with your idea because they do enjoy new experiences. Make them always feel safe and secure when trying anything new and they might love it and incorporate it into your regular sex life.

Again fellas: take note. Foreplay, massages, candles are a nice touch, but you can ditch the potpourri. I want to make sex with you, not smell like fresh baked apple pie or cool linen breeze. 

There you have it, friends. A glimpse into the water sign dominated by the moon. The Crab. If you ask me nicely, I may just pinch your ass.


One comment

  1. Karen DeLabar · January 14, 2012

    Gee, after reading all of our wonderful traits, such as emotional, deeply sensitive, temperamental and one who dwells in the past I have to wonder why I’ve had such difficulties in my relationships! But, hey, I can take care of you no matter how you treat me and, look at that, I like sex. Really, can you go wrong with a Cancer? 😉 There’s a reason why I call ya, sister. 🙂

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