Month: January 2012

It’s Not Goodbye…

…it’s “see you later.”

This is what I wrote to one of my best friends/surrogate brother/roommate Chad as he moved out this week and is now basking on the sunny shores of California; L.A. to be specific.

I have known Chad my entire life. I’m not kidding–his mother used to babysit me when I was six months old.

(I’m the one in the pink, by the by…)

For thirty years, Chad has been a constant in my life. We grew up together, attended school together, and have been roommates twice. Chad moved in during the beginnings of the decline of my marriage and was a huge support to me during the demise of it. Having him around was a comfort to me because he’s more than just a friend, he’s family to me. I’d call him “the brother I never had,” but I have a brother, so that’s silly.

Chad has always wanted to live in Los Angeles and has talked about it for years and years.

“I’m going to move to LA,” he’d say.

“Yeah, okay Chad, you do that,” I’d say, tossing his comment aside. I never really thought he’d go. But he did.

Even after he quit his job a few weeks ago and began making plans to move, I still kind of thought, “yeah, okay Chad…” but this week, watching him begin packing up his belongings, it finally began to sink in: he’s leaving. He’s leaving me.

I admit to being selfish and wanting him to stay. I was trying to concoct crazy schemes to get him to stay: faking an illness; calling him and pretending to be the state of California saying, “sorry dude, we’re full. We’ll keep your application on file and consider you in the future.” Hiding his car keys to keep him from going anywhere…I was desperate to keep him here.

But I had to keep reminding myself that it’s not about me and this is what he needs to do.

So, he went.

I drove him to the airport with Corey, our other roommate, yesterday and that was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do in my life so far. We packed up his bags into the trunk of my car and as the three of us were driving to Omaha, I had the fleeting thought of not taking him, of driving somewhere else, but he was so excited and ready to go, that I couldn’t keep him from that.

We stood awkwardly in the terminal for a few minutes, unsure of what to say to each other, but after shedding a few tears and hugging him tightly for a few minutes, Chad began walking down the terminal and I was struck by how much I felt like a parent sending my child off to live on their own for the first time. I broke down in the airport and tried to hug Corey, but knowing Corey and his distaste for public displays of emotion, quickly made my way to the bathroom where I shut myself into a stall and cried for a minute. I composed myself as best as I could, splashed some water on my face, chastised myself a bit for being such a baby, and walked out.

The ride back to Lincoln with Corey was mostly silent. We sat and listened to sad songs playing loudly over my car’s sound system and I chain smoked. Then the Peter Gabriel song “I Grieve” started up and I began singing along, tears flowing down my cheeks and my eyes blurry from the tears.

If you’re unfamiliar with the lyrics, here’s a sample:

“It was only one hour ago, it was all so different then. There’s nothing yet has really sunk in, looks like it always did. This flesh and bone, it’s just the way that you would tied in. Now there’s no-one home…

I grieve for you. You leave me. So hard to move on, still loving what’s gone. They say life carries on, carries on and on and on and on…”

See why I was crying? Good lord!

I couldn’t get the whole day off work, so I ended up going in at 1pm, and honestly, I’m grateful for that because it kind of took my mind off of things. I didn’t want to leave when my shift was over, though. I was going home to an empty house.

This sounds kind of silly, but I equated Chad’s leaving to when my husband moved out. While I love Chad with my whole heart, it was a bit…difficult at times. Why? Chad and my ex-husband are similar in many ways and there would be times where I felt like I was still married, which was odd. So to have Chad leave was like being left by my husband all over again. The bittersweetness of knowing this person needs to go, yet not wanting them to is a feeling I would prefer to never have to go through again, but I realize that’s probably not the case.

Anyway, going home that night wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be, but still rough. I stood in the living room at the base of the stairs going up to his bedroom and cried again. I took a shower and cried some more. I laid in bed watching a movie and cried.

Then, I got a text from Chad with a picture of the LA skyline.

“Welcome to LA, Chad! Okay, you can come home now,” I replied.

“I can’t. I loved it the minute I stepped off the plane…” was his response.

And in that moment, I felt better about him leaving. Those few words eased my mind about him leaving. He’s right; he can’t come back to a life that he wasn’t happy living. Sure, his friends and family are here, but Chad belongs where he’s going to thrive and flourish and is able to make his life what he wants it to be. Getting that message from him was just what I needed to hear.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I was okay with him not being around. Sure, I still miss him. I’ll miss him stomping up and down the stairs to his room, even though that used to drive me absolutely nuts at the time; I’ll miss him knocking on my bedroom door and poking his head in to talk with me. I’ll miss him for a lot of reasons, but it’s made easier knowing he’s happier.

Today, I took over his room. I hauled up all my books, dvd’s, flat screen television and desk from my room and am now writing in what used to be his room. I joked earlier that this proves I’ll be a great parent because once my kid is out of the house, I’m taking over their bedroom and turn it into an office. Ha.

It’s comforting to be up here, as some of his things are still in the room.

To my friend and brother, Chad: I love you, I miss you, but this isn’t goodbye, it’s see you later.

 

Fighting For My Life

I am on Twitter and follow the radio personality John Moe from NPR’s Marketplace Tech program. Odd, you’re probably thinking. On the contrary–John is hilarious and witty and I admit to sporting a bit of a crush on the man. I tell you what, those public radio hosts have it going on. Have you ever seen Steve “Stevinski” Inskeep? He’s a silver fox.

Anyway, aside from John Moe’s dry and sarcastic and plain goofy humor which I adore, he also has a serious side and he speaks of his deceased older brother, Rick, from time to time and when he does, I’m all ears…well, eyes. I’ve written about John before in a earlier post. If you don’t remember, here it is :http://wp.me/p4xRq-7Y

Rick suffered from depression and committed suicide, so already, I’m going to pay extra attention to what John writes because I, as you all know, have been diagnosed with manic depression and tried to commit suicide myself about two years ago.

John’s tweets are heartbreaking and speak of his love for his brother, yet you can tell he’s angry at Rick for taking his own life. According to John, Rick was also abusing narcotics and from what I gather, left the house when John was 14 because of this…my guess is he got kicked out. Anyway, the two men weren’t close. John admits to kicking Rick out of his life after several incidents that he states were “painful for me and him and didn’t trust him.”  Only later in life, when Rick was seeking treatment at Narcotics Anonymous did they begin reconnecting.

Then, Rick killed himself.

You can feel John’s pain, the loss of his only brother, the loss of the time they could have had together…I can’t help but think of my own brother when I read about Rick. The similarities between the Moe brothers and me and my brother are startling, and the only dissimilarity is the fact that our roles are somewhat reversed.

My brother, Nate, is seven years older than I am and we were never very close growing up, especially when Nate got to be older. Who wants an 8-year-old sister tagging along with you when you’re 15? Nate was always busy with his life, doing things that 15-year-old guys do and was never home. He hated being in one place for too long, and unfortunately, that meant our house. By the time he graduated high school, I didn’t really know my brother, even though I desperately wanted to. I’d sneak into his room when he was gone and listen to his cassette tapes and look through his year books and wanted more than anything to know the guy who was my brother. He was this…force that I was scared of, yet wanted nothing more than to connect with him.

But, he left home and I didn’t see much of him and I reached teenagerdom and began having my own social life and once again, our lives drifted further apart. He eventually moved away to Idaho and has been there for over ten years. He missed so many of my important life events–my high school and college graduations and my wedding. It just never worked out for him to be able to come back. I don’t begrudge my brother for this at all. I would have liked to have had him there with me, to show him that the annoying little girl had grown up, but life got in the way.

I am grateful that as we did get older, we began reconnecting to some extent. Many family disasters drew us closer together and our bond began growing and instead of being afraid of my big brother as I usually was because I was scared of annoying him, I began going to him with problems. Also, he married an amazing woman and she made this transition more smooth for both Nate and myself.

Anyway, my point is that when I began demonstrating signs of depression and when my husband and I began having our problems and he moved out, I was a mess. I turned to my brother and he accepted me willingly. I flew out to Idaho and stayed with him and my sister-in-law for a few days. They were there for me during a very dark time in my life and words can’t even begin to describe how grateful I am for them both. When I tried to commit suicide, they were there for me.

If I had gone through with my plan and ultimately ended my life, I would have left Nate in the same place that Rick left John–never having the opportunity to know your sibling. I would have left a hole in Nate’s life much like the hole Rick has left with John.

Here is where the world starts to make some sense in a way: it’s a tragedy that Rick Moe felt that his life was no longer valuable and that his thinking of ridding himself from the world would solve not only his problems, but the problems he caused his family. I assume Rick thought of himself as a failure, as a nobody. He was dealt a double whammy suffering from depression and trying to get sober from narcotics. His brain was not in a good place and it’s a daunting thing for someone suffering from depression to come to terms with not giving up. We may be committed to getting well, we seek treatment and may do well with it for a while, but then the treatment loses its efficacy and we find ourselves back at square one. The feelings of being a failure return tenfold. Depression sinks its ugly claws into our psyches once more and we start to feel hopeless again.

The key here is to not give up the fight. We want to, but we can’t. We’re worth more than giving up and quitting, if not for ourselves, but for those around us, and that’s why John speaks out about depression so openly and candidly. He’s pissed off his brother didn’t fight harder and pissed off at himself for not urging his brother to fight harder. While I empathize with John on a level he will never know. As a person who suffers depression, I also empathize with Rick. We simply don’t think we’re worth the trouble.

But John sees differently.

“My message to you if you are depressed, ill, need help: let people know you. All of you. All about you. They want to. And give yourself a chance to know other people. Live to meet them. Live to be surprised. There’s never enough time in life, of course, of course. Make as many discoveries as you can and let others do the same. If you need help, get help. If it doesn’t work, try again, try something else. Fight.”

His words are powerful and I’m glad he’s talking about this part of his life. As a radio personality with a rather large following, his words have the ability to reach out to millions of people. Millions of us with depression who may be too scared to do anything about it, thinking there’s no point in trying.

As a person suffering from depression, a person whose been to the lowest point of my life and somehow managed to crawl out of that point, I’m telling you, as a person suffering, help is possible. I’m not saying I’m cured by any means. I have my moments when I flirt with the idea of ending it all again because this goshdarned life is so HARD sometimes, but I think about those whose lives I will affect by killing myself. I am so incredibly lucky to have an amazing group of people who are willing to fight for me and are very vocal in expressing this to me. I may not always want to hear it, but it pulls me out of my funk and I fight it.

Fight. And fight like hell.

Am I Really An Atheist?

Allow me to elaborate.

Earlier today, I found a very compelling article by Mark Thomas at http://www.godlessgeeks.com titled “Why Atheism?” It’s a wonderful article and I found myself engrossed in it. Mr. Thomas made many valid points for atheism vs. theism and I found myself nodding my head along to many things he wrote. It’s heavily science-based, stating science give empirical evidence disproving many things about what many hold true for religion, mainly the standard theories of evolution and so on and so forth.

He talks about the Bible being story-telling at its finest, and as I like to refer to the Bible as “a giant game of Telephone,” meaning what one person said has been manipulated over the centuries to the point where the original meaning has been lost. The works of the Bible are pure fiction, in my opinion, but that’s beside the point now.

Some of my favorite points from the article:

“Until a couple of hundred years ago, most people thought that a god or gods controlled everything. ‘Why does the wind blow?’ ‘Why is there lightning and thunder?’ ‘Why did the sun, moon and stars apparently go around the Earth?’ ‘Why did someone get sick and die?’ Why did anything happen? Well, obviously, GOD did it. If a person doesn’t know how anything works or why something happened, they can say, ‘God did it,’ also known as ‘god of the gaps’ and it is the heart of the conflict between science and religion. Science looks for natural causes, while religion looks for supernatural causes (I get a lot of flack for using the word “supernatural” in discussions like this…many people hear “supernatural” and assume ghostly apparitions and drawers/doors opening and closing of their own volition. Supernatural in this instance, refers to a force beyond scientific understanding or the laws of nature). Science is steadily winning, because as we understand more and more about the universe, the gap where a god might function grows smaller and smaller. Every time we learn more, gods have less room to operate. When we learned what caused the sun to move across the sky, there was no need for the Greek god Helios and his chariot. When we understood what caused lightning, there was no need for the Greek god Zeus.”

“The idea of an all-controlling, caring supernatural god is a very attractive one. It can make our lives seem less frightening, more comforting. Somebody’s in control and won’t let bad things happen to us.”

“This article is an argument in support of reason, rationality, intellectual honesty, and truth. We must know truth to act wisely and truth comes from physical reality…why am I doing this? Is it because I want to poke holes in people’s beliefs so that we can take away what makes them happy? No, I’m doing this because I want to know what is true, be intellectually honest, and open to reality.”

The first paragraph should make anyone reading chuckle a bit in spite of themselves, theist or atheist. How silly some of the things we held true back in the days when we truly did believe that a god was responsible for them! It reminds me of the old Japanese belief that earthquakes and tsunamis are causes by a giant catfish living under them and when it rolled over, that’s what caused these disasters. We know that is not the case due to the study of seismology and understanding of how tectonic plates moves against each other. Galileo proved the Earth revolved around the sun, not the other way around. Ben Franklin and his kite proved how lightning works.

We are an intelligent species. We have figured things out by proving them. We have evidence to back these claims and they are widely regarded as fact, hence the desire of an atheist to have hardcore, reliable evidence of a god existing, and so far, we just haven’t found that yet.

Now, this is where I begin to waver a bit in my personal philosophy, and the reason for this post. For the most part, I am with science. However, I also keep an objective mind that science isn’t 100% fail-proof and fact. There are things scientists do not know, and to their credit, state they don’t know why certain things work as they do. As Mark Thomas writes later, “when faced with the unknown, let’s first note that it’s perfectly okay to say, ‘I don’t know,’ or ‘we don’t know,’–just as it would have been when people in the past asked, ‘what causes lightning or tornadoes?’ or countless other questions for which we now have straightforward scientific explanations. Obviously, just because we don’t know how something happened does not mean that a god did it. Relegating an explanation of something to a god is easy; a person doesn’t have to think much…we can’t simply explain something mysterious by appealing to something more mysterious for which there is less evidence.”

I realize that is slightly contradictory, but I think I made my point–pure and simple, there are things we don’t know, but instead of claiming a god is responsible, we are committed to solving this problem and finding a solution. This appeals to my senses and goes back to when I was a small child and would constantly ask my father questions about things. No, Dad, wind isn’t caused by trees sneezing.

Mark’s second and third paragraphs kind of slapped me upside the head because those few sentences sum up my own beliefs and my thoughts of religion. Of COURSE the idea of something greater than ourselves, watching over us and protecting us is a good one.  We aren’t alone on this giant chunk of rock after all. We have a watchman in the sky looking out for us and he won’t let anything bad happen to us! And most people believe in God purely based on the design of the world: “the sunset is beautiful!” giving a god credit for the beauty and good in the world, but what about the bad things? Who gets credit for that? “Praise God for this horrible forest fire that destroyed millions of acres of trees and killed thousands of animals!” What loving god would also inflict pain and suffering to his followers?

I also have difficulty debating with theists because I have close family members who believe in God. I am not going to go up to them and tell them they are foolish for their beliefs because who am I to dictate what they believe in, especially if this gives them comfort and makes them happy? To do so is dangerous and cavalier of me. I do know some atheists who enjoy doing so to theists and that’s behavior that I do not acknowledge.

The key to being a good atheist–hell, a good person in general– is to practice compassion and keep an open mind towards other beliefs; just because they are not your own doesn’t make them false or wrong by any means.

I think I’m done with writing about atheism for a while. It sparks such an emotional response from people and the air is thick with debate and I hate conflict. I just want people to get along. It’s a pipe dream, I realize, but dang it. Let’s make it happen anyway.

Until then, whatever you believe in, I will remain yours fondly,

Erin

 

Buzzed

Her skin was supple and warm and I could taste the salt and her perfume as my tongue glided over it, the combination intoxicating. I dove into her, filling up on her life source, devouring as much as I could of her, until I could take no more. I was about to withdraw from her when she reached over and swatted me, cutting my life short, but I’ll never forget her or how she made me feel in those few brief moments when we were one.

The Atheist Redux

DISCLAIMER: THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED ARE PURELY MY OWN AND THE AWESOME THING ABOUT OPINIONS IS WE ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE THEM AND EXPRESS THEM AS WE SEE FIT .

Erin the Atheist back for round two. The air is a-buzz with anticipation, I can tell.

Today’s heavy sigh-inducing topic is death.

The other day at work, one of my co-workers received a pamphlet from a patient about death. This pissed me off for a number of reasons: 1) soliciting any sort of material is forbidden, so…get the fuck out of here. 2) Actually, the first reason is the only reason. Unless you’re handing out pamphlets on a new invasive cardiology procedure, just don’t bother. The only reason I kept the dumb thing was because I was incredulous by the subject, which I will of course share and you can join me in going, “uh…what?”

DEATH

“Will you agree that we all must face the fact that one day death will come knocking at our door? Have you thought about it much? Why must this happen? Is there some rule that says we must die?”

Yes, cliché aside, death will come “knocking at our door,” and yes, I have thought extensively about death, as I tried to hasten my death by trying to commit suicide, so I am well aware that death is imminent. Why must we die? Well, it’s called the life cycle. We’re born and those of us that are lucky enough to be brought into this world easily and without the plethora of ailments that tragically take newborn babies from this life without having gotten a chance to live for more than a few moments, we spend an average of 75+ years living and then, by nature’s design, we die. The “rule” to dying is there is no rule. We have no control over how long we live, unless we decide to die by our own hand.

“Death is natural you say? Yes, it is true, currently death is natural–but this was not God’s intent. God created man to live, but man rejected Him. God, alone, is the source of life. Separated from God, man can only experience death.”

Okay, okay, okay…I see what  you’re doing here and having been raised on the Christian belief system for 20 of my 30 years, I get it. You’re speaking of death metaphorically now. Those without God in their lives are dead inside. Clever.

“Death started with our first ancestor, Adam. God created him ‘very good’ and gave him a lot of freedom. Only one restraint was laid upon him and its purpose was to prevent man from knowing evil. Wanting, though, to be like God, Adam exercised his will against God and went his own way separate from God. Remember, apart from God there is no life and man’s nature, in Adam, is a process of death for all (See Genesis 2 through 3, plus Romans 5:12).”

This is where I start getting defensive and raise the argument: God planned this whole thing. God is letting man suddenly decide the fate of the human race? God has no say in what happened? Evil was present in the Garden of Eden and God didn’t foresee this happening and put the kabash on this? Omnipotent, my butt. To place all the grief of the world on the shoulders of man is messed up. God has an agenda, friends. Strike one for why I renounced my Christianity and went atheist.

“It is man’s nature to think that he can ‘make his own way’ and that he has ‘free will.’ In the way that God requires, man thinks that he does not have to obey. Think about that ‘free will’ that man believes he possesses. The Bible says we are enslaved to the fear of death in Hebrews 2:15. If we are enslaved to the fear of death, then that says man does not have free will. The very reality of death disproves the claim that man has free will. If man truly had free will,  he could choose not to die, or to suffer at all. He cannot do this as we know. Death will come knocking at our door. We stated that God is the source of life but man had separated himself from God. What prevents God from giving man life today?”

[pinches bridge of nose as a mighty headache is brewing]

What? What in the…what? First of all, I have the Fleetwood Mac song “Go Your Own Way” stuck in my head now. Secondly, I’m so confused. Again, I realize the gist of this entire thing is this:  BELIEVE IN GOD AND BE NOT AFRAID OF DEATH FOR THROUGH SALVATION IN HIM, WE WILL GO TO HEAVEN AND SUFFER NOT EARTHLY STRIFE.  But now it’s just nonsensical contradiction in terms and making stuff up to elicit fear. Strike two, religion. I remember from my grade school days being taught about the devil and being scared shitless. It’s that same kind of “scared straight” tactics that annoy me and do more harm than good. Also, I just can’t get over this thought that if God is so freaking pissed at us for going against his way, why not just wipe the slate clean and start over? Oh…that’s right. Because God is a product of humans. We created HIM. Silly Erin, always with the forgetting.

GOD’S VIEW OF MANKIND (this may be my favorite part of the pamphlet)

“ALL MEN ARE SINNERS.

Do you object that nobody is perfect? Then neither are you perfect? You then agree with God that we are all sinners deserving of death to which we are enslaved. This death is not just having your cadaver stuffed into a grave. There is existence after death. For many, probably most, this will be a horrible existence in outer darkness with weeping and gnashing of teeth plus fire. See Matthew 22:13 and Revelations 21:8 for glimpses. Dismal? This picture is pretty dismal. Is there no hope for man?”

Great googly moogly. Although, “wailing and gnashing of teeth” has always been one of my favorite lines from the Bible and the “plus fire” thing was a nice touch. I keep thinking of Beavis and Butthead: FIRE! FIRE! No, I’m not perfect, that’s true. However, there is no existence after death. None. As I stated before, we live and we die. We stop living as soon as our hearts stop beating and our upper brain functions cease. Your body is buried underground where it starts its natural decomposition process. There is no life after death, unless you’re Tupac and keep posthumously releasing cd’s, but other than that, there’s nothing. This is something I don’t really like to discuss with people because this is the most touchy of the religious subjects to get into. For example, take my dad. After his wife passed away from cancer over two years ago, he submerged himself into his faith and became a born-again Christian. That’s how he’s choosing to deal with the untimely death of his wife and that’s his decision. If wanting to believe that after he dies he will be reunited with his wife in heaven, let him believe that. If it offers him comfort in his despair, I am not going to deny him that. I understand the wanting to believe this will happen, but I’ve had this discussion with other atheist, all whom have also lost loved ones. I am more of the thought that while having a beloved person in your life die unexpectedly is a tragedy and I have nothing but empathy and compassion for your grief, keep these people close to your hearts and alive in your memories of them. I liken this whole “being reunited with all your loved ones” thing to agreeing to meet someone on top of the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day. You want to see this person so badly, your anticipation is overwhelming and you’re so excited to be with them again, but once you get there, they never show up.

THERE IS HOPE

“The amazing thing is this, even though can (each man) tells God to ‘take a hike’ God still loves us.

But God demonstrated His own love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

There is a penalty for sin, it is death. This is a death that commits a person to eternal misery. This ‘wage’ is the just payment by a righteous judge (God) for our rebellion against Him. The only way out is for someone else, who is guiltless, and who is both God and man, to make this payment. Jesus Christ, the God/man came to earth, lived a perfect life, holy as His Father in heaven is holy, and was unjustly condemned and crucified on Mt. Calvary for my sin, for your sin, for the sin(s) of the whole world.”

[sigh]

I don’t like this one bit. I really don’t. God still loves us even when we tell him to fuck off. Yes, he’s SO loving, isn’t he? Don’t believe in him, be a godless sinner and die because you sin against God and spend an eternity burning in the fiery pits of hell, but don’t let that get you down, little buddy–God still loves you, even when you’re on fire and suffering. That’s so neat, really. God is so loving, in fact, he made himself into human form because people were freaking out about talking to burning bushes all the time, so he impregnated a virgin with himself as a prophet  for humanity, to speak the love of God and his good will, but people were all like, “dude’s whack. Let’s kill this guy!” So God then allowed humans to kill himself, but that’s okay because He totally planned this all, you guys. He totes sent himself to be murdered and because he did that, you’re all forgiven. Just believe in this wackadoo story, otherwise, you know…hell and damnation and the gnashing.

Strike three for religion.

The rest of the pamphlet is pretty redundant and keeps going on about Jesus dying for our sins and yadda blah dee dah.

I leave you with this quote from Robert Green Ingersoll:

“If there is a God who will damn his children forever, I would rather go to hell than to go to heaven and keep the society of such an infamous tyrant. I make my choice now. I despise that doctrine. It has covered the cheeks of this world with tears. It has polluted the hearts of children, and poisoned the imaginations of men. It has been a constant pain, a perpetual terror to every good man and woman and child. It has filled the good with horror and with fear; but it has had no effect upon the infamous and base. It has wrung the hearts of the tender, it has furrowed the cheeks of the good. This doctrine never should be preached again. What right have you, sir, Mr. clergyman, you, minister of the gospel to stand at the portals of the tomb, at the vestibule of eternity, and fill the future with horror and with fear? I do not believe this doctrine, neither do you. If you did, you could not sleep one moment. Any man who believes it, and has within his breast a decent, throbbing heart, will go insane. A man who believes that doctrine and does not go insane has the heart of a snake and the conscience of a hyena.” 

Thanks for reading.

Erin

It’s In The Stars, Baby…

What’s your sign?

Oh, astrology, you silly bitch. I have such a love/hate relationship with astrology. Being a fairly intelligent, well-rounded individual, I like to read my horoscope, even though I know it’s based on generalities that anyone can find some sort of truth in: “you can be moody and difficult to be around at times.” OH MY GOD, THAT’S AMAZING, HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?! THAT’S SO TRUE!!

See? But then there are some things that make even the skeptic in me go “huh.”

According to the sun, moon, stars and Miss Cleo, I’m a Cancer. A crab. And for the immature among us, the symbol is “69” which we all know is funny for a lot of reasons.

And now, Fun With The Zodiac, courtesy of http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com*:

*Author’s note: I copy and pasted this bitch and have not changed anything this website wrote, so hopefully you don’t think I’m a terrible, shitty writer with poor use of punctuation and grammar, because good gravy, there are some doozies in here. End note.

Cancer Strengths:

– Loyalty
– Dependable
– Caring
– Adaptable
– Responsive

These are pretty accurate. I’m a loyal friend and you can count on me, baby. I’m caring/nurturing; after all, I work in healthcare. It’s kind of a requirement. Adaptability, sure. Responsive, okay.

Cancer Weaknesses:

– Moody
– Clingy
– Self-pitying
– Oversensitive
– Self-absorbed

Moody? Yes. I am. Clingy? Yes. Self-pitying? Sure. Over-sensitive? I can be. Self-absorbed? Sometimes.

Cancer and Independence:

Cancer is the astrology sign that is packed full of contradictions, so when it comes to independence, they possibly can or can not be independent. On one side, they have the perseverance and drive to do what needs to be done. They are self-sufficient and do not need to depend on other people for the material and physical things in life. On the other hand, they depend on people for emotional support and encouragement. A Cancer that is not fully self-actualized will need the constant support of others and will not be very independent but the Cancer that is ‘evolved’ and has properly harnessed their emotional issues will be wildly successful as an independent human being. They crave attention and comfort from other people and they are happiest when they have a small, close knit group of friends or family.

This made me chuckle, mostly because it’s poorly worded and makes no sense whatsoever. I’m independently dependent? Or I’m dependent upon my independibility? OR I’m depending upon my independence to make a dependent independence for the dependibility? It is true, however, about the attention seeking nature, because LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME!!

Cancer and Friendship:

Cancer is extremely loyal to those who appreciate and support them, they are the nurturer of the zodiac and will protect and cherish the person for a long time. One of the greatest things about Cancer is their ability to make others feel good about themselves and loved. This is because instead of doing this for themselves, they project this onto other people. This is a positive cycle because in making others feel nurtured, wanted and loved, they in return feel good for making someone feel good. Other people can lean on and depend on cancer, they will listen to people’s problems and help them however they will rarely express their own deep feelings to anyone. People who want to share deep emotional thoughts and opinions with a Cancer might feel that the scales are tipped on one side for cancer will rarely reveal it’s true deep feelings. A friend of Cancer is usually a lifelong devoted friend that can be trusted.

Five simple words: me love you long time. 

Cancer and Business:

Once cancer resolved their emotional issues such as shyness and insecurity, the powerful character will shine though, there is practically nothing they can’t do. They have incredible perseverance and will stand up for what they believe in. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake. They are excellent business people and investors because of their intuitive and psychic ability and their creative forward thinking mind, they are able to predict future trends. They attract wealth very well and know where to invest. Money and financial well being is very important to Cancer and this can help their drive in business. They need financial security and if they allow themselves to properly focus their energy and do not allow their emotions to over take them, they are more then capable of obtaining their financial goals and being incredibly successful business people.

Once Cancers get over their emotional baggage, shyness and insecurities, we’re unstoppable, like a runaway train. And we’re rich, bitch! So, like a runaway money train. I admit, I need to tap into this resource because homegirl be broke right now. And honestly, the thought of me being a successful business person is hysterical. Buy! Sell! Trade! Buy that and then sell it! Trade that with that thing and then sell it and trade it!

Cancer Temperament:

They are complex, fragile, unpredictable and temperamental and need constant support and encouragement, more then any other astrology signs, Cancer needs to be needed. Even when all needs are satisfied, they can be irritable and cranky. They have an uneasy, delicate temperament. The contradictory nature of Cancer gives their temperament the wild mood swings and possible temper tantrums. They are easily offended and will sulk and wallow in self pity for a long time when they get hurt.

I should keep track of how often the words “temperament” and “contradiction” are used. It’s a lot. Anyway, yes, I’m complex. Ask my ex-husband. On a serious note, the part about being needed is actually very true. I want you to want me. Please. However, I don’t think I sulk or wallow. I’m not a pig, for Christ’s sake. I do blame myself for things that aren’t in my control, though. Huh. 

Cancer Deep Inside*:

*Author’s note: sounds like a porn title. I digress.

It is difficult for cancer to open up and have a close emotionally fulfilled relationship with someone because they are so closed off emotionally and physically to the world. This is driven by their fear of trust, Cancer has a difficult time trusting people. This causes built up anger and resentment inside, the contradictory nature really takes a toll on them and they can have a negative outlook on life, thinking that life is just too hard and miserable. This is unfortunate because when good experiences are to be had, they are skeptical of people and their surroundings and they experience tunnel vision due to their depressed outlook and they miss the nice things and happy experiences in life that make it worth living. In addition to lack of trust for people, Cancer is deeply sensitive and easily hurt, this is other reason why they have their defense shell in place, to avoid being hurt by others. Cancer lives in the past. They hold past events close to them and often dwell on the past. They have to learn to let go and live in the present instead of spending their time being sick with nostalgia. Cancer has a lot of emotional issues to deal with but once they overcome this large hump of shyness and insecurity, there is practically nothing they can’t do. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake. Cancer is constantly feeling, feelings and emotions are hallmarks of this sign and this is the root of their problems, human beings are not as evolved in the emotional area and this is where cancer gets the brunt of their problems. They are the ones who have to cope with their strong feelings more so then any other sign. Once properly harnessed, there is nothing that is this powerful astrology sign can not accomplish. Harmony is very important to Cancer, it keeps them happy. Conflict of any kind causes great distress. Deep inside, Cancer is a very powerful sign, they have the ability to stand up for what they think is right and they have lots of perseverance and can be fine on their own provided they don’t let their emotions get the better of them and have the stability they need. They are not fond of change but they have the ability to do what needs to be done, they are not pushovers or lazy people.

Repetition aside, this paragraph also offers some valid points. I don’t like sharing my feelings with people face-to-face. I’d rather write about it. There is one person in this world who bitchslaps me into talking and that’s my mother because she’s a bitch like that. Side note: I love my mommy. Trust issues, yeah yeah yeah, negative outlook on life, depressed…goddamn. And I swear to Yahweh, if I read the phrase “defense shell” one more time, I’m going to go medieval on someone. Oh! Look at me being moody! Cancer characteristic! BOOYA!! I will say that the bit about Cancers being constantly emotional is a huge issue and having to cope with them is a motherfucker because it is. Some have accused me of not caring about them, but on the contrary, I’m dealing with YOUR emotions as well as my own and it is so goddamned tiring that I…go into my shell…(punches self in head for saying that phrase). 

Cancer In A Nutshell*:

*Help! I’m in a nutshell! How’d I get into this giant nutshell!

Cancer is a mysterious sign, filled with contradictions. They want security and comfort yet seek new adventure. They are very helpful to others yet sometimes can be cranky and indifferent. Cancer has a driving, forceful personality that can be easily hidden beneath a calm, and cool exterior. The crab is Cancer’s ruling animal and it suits them well, they can come out of their shell and fight but they can also hide in their shell of skitter away back into the depths of the ocean. They are very unpredictable. With cancer, there is always something more that meets the eye, for they are always partially hidden behind the shell. They are a have a deep psyche and intuitive mind that is hidden from the world. Cancer is deeply sensitive and easily hurt, this might be why they have their defense shell in place, to avoids being hurt by others. They are nurturers so they surround themselves with people, whom after a while can offend or hurt a cancer without even knowing they did so, therefore Cancer’s protective shell keeps them safe from hurt. They are complex, fragile, unpredictable and temperamental and need constant support and encouragement, more then any other astrology signs, Cancer needs to be needed. When cancer gets the support it needs, it has a tremendous amount to offer in return. When cancer gets offended, they tend to sulk instead of confronting the persons face to face. This needlessly prolongs the pain and suffering. Cancer is very possessive, not just with material possessions but with people as well. Cancer will always want to stay in touch with old friends and anyone who has ever been close to them, because it is easier to maintain a friendship then attempt to learn to trust a new person. It is easier this way for them emotionally. If you befriend a Cancer, you will stay friends for a long time. Cancer makes the perfect mother, this is the sign that represents motherhood. They have unconditional love and caring more so then any other astrology sign. Cancer are very intuitive. Most of the psychics of the world are Cancer astrology signs. They have an excellent memory and are very observant and can read people very well. They can usually tell of other people’s intentions are good or not. Never dupe a Cancer, they can see your motives. Cancer has a lot of emotional issues to deal with but once they overcome this large hump of shyness and insecurity, there is practically nothing they can’t do. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake.

I like being called mysterious. It makes me feel like I’m…a…mystery. That wasn’t well thought out. And oh, hey look at that: contradictions makes its eleventy twelfth appearance. I AM tragically cool and hip and calm, that’s pretty spot-on. Also, I’m thinking of taking my shell into the body shop to get some sweet flames painted on it. And if you guys haven’t caught on yet, Cancers are intuitive. I don’t know if that’s been mentioned yet. I’m not going to lie–I read this paragraph and all I see is “temperamental shell protective shell temperamental shell protective shell shell temperamental shell protective temperamental shell.” Oh, but then we talk about unconditional love and how Cancers make good mothers which is interesting to me. Regular readers know that I’m in the midst of a weird lady bits thing where I’m not sure if I can ever become with child, which honestly, that tears me up inside. I want kids, I do. Ideally, I’d like to grow my own, but if I were to meet someone who already owns a kid or two, that’d be totally cool with me. I do not have a good memory. Let me rephrase that–I do and I don’t. I can recall the most bizarre shit, but yet can get up from my desk at work and start walking towards the door with something to do in mind, but once I reach the door, I’ll stop and go, “what the hell was I doing?” Scary, huh? Observant, I am. I love to people watch. Ever been to the Denver International Airport? Primo people watching there, friends. AND I GET IT. CANCERS ARE EMOTIONAL. SWEET JESUS CHRIST. Now, just for the fuck of it, I’m going to start highlighting the word “intuition” because I’m a douchebag like that.

Cancer Love, Sex and Relationships and What’s It’s Like To Date A Cancer Woman:

The Cancer woman is a very sensual woman with deep emotions and passion brewing underneath the exterior. To reach these will require time, patience and tenderness. Do not expect to have her open up to you right away and jump into a relationship. She will not make the first move and will not be forward with you, you have to do all the work. Do not try to lead her on because Cancer woman is very in-tune with a persons motivations and she will see right through you. Trust is the single most important thing to Cancer. If you ever betray her trust, you might as well move on. She needs love and security. Cancer is the perfect woman for the man who loves to sweep a woman off her feet with romance. She is sensual, sweet and flirty and you two will engage in a gentle, flirtatious dance together while the relationship builds. Once there is a solid, secure foundation, the richness of the relationship will emerge. She is old fashioned, feminine and sensual and patient, if you are the man who can give her what she wants, a relationship with a Cancer woman is wholesome and rewarding and can last a lifetime.

Men, take note please. In fact, print this out, laminate it and keep it tucked into your wallet and pull it out (HA!) for a quick reference whenever you’re stumped by me. I’m not kidding. I’ll wait while you do so. But what’s “romance”? Does that exist? That happens? I loved my ex-husband for many reasons, otherwise, I wouldn’t have married the turd, but in the romance department, brother was lacking and holy cow, if someone where to be all romantical and shit with me and be sincere about it, not just do it because you think you have to, I’ll melt. True story. 

How To Attract A Cancer*:

*Coming to CBS this Fall, the hilarious new sitcom “How To Attract A Cancer,” starring Courtney Cox as Cancer! Fridays, only on CBS.

You must be direct, Cancer will not. Let your feelings for them be known, this is the first step to initiating a relationship with a Cancer. This way, will not have to risk rejection, one of their biggest fears. If you are looking for a short fling, be straight with them. Do not lead them on to thinking there is long term commitment is there is none because you will hurt these emotionally delicate people. Trust is the most important. Build trust with them and they will gradually get closer to you. Give them approval and compliments but be careful because they will easily sense when you are complimenting them just for the sake of it. Be sincere. Ask Cancer for advice, share your problems (but don’t burden them), they enjoy helping people and giving advice. They like culture and lavish experiences. Take them to a play or museum and a fancy, upscale restaurant. Do not force Cancer into a relationship or make them make a decision on the spot. They will shy away from you. Have patience, this is the key to attracting a Cancer. Be physical with them, they love genuine affection. They are very cautious and as time passes, they will slowly grow closer to you and you will have wonderful, fulfilling relationship.

True. All of it. I can’t even crack any jokes about this because the truth hurts me. Oh wait, I just read the fancy, upscale restaurant part. That’s nice and all, but I’m from rural Nebraska, bitches. Give me a steak and throw in a good action movie with blood and guts and lots of swearing, and I’ll be set.

Cancer Erogenous Zone:

The greatest erogenous zone for Cancer is the chest and the breasts. Both women and men respond well to light sucking and kissing of the nipples. You must caress these areas delicately and softly. Never be rough. Stroke your fingers through Cancer man’s chest hair, lightly and gently this will ignite the firey passion hidden behind the shell.

[shoulders back, chest forward, fluffs up boobies] I DO DECLARE BULLSHIT ON BEING GENTLE. Sex is no fun unless you get some bite marks and bruises on you. Slap my ass. Wait…what? 

Sex With Cancer:

Cancer is very physical. Expect sex with Cancer to be a fully encompassing sexual experience. Lots of tender foreplay, massages afterwards, candles lit by the bedside, soft music in the background, delicious scented potpourri, everything to appeal to all senses. It will be delicate and passionate and an experience you won’t soon forget. To not expect too much novelty and experimentation because Cancer is a very conservative sign. Some Cancer people might be willing to try something new but they will never be the ones to suggest it, you have to or it will never happen. They might go along with your idea because they do enjoy new experiences. Make them always feel safe and secure when trying anything new and they might love it and incorporate it into your regular sex life.

Again fellas: take note. Foreplay, massages, candles are a nice touch, but you can ditch the potpourri. I want to make sex with you, not smell like fresh baked apple pie or cool linen breeze. 

There you have it, friends. A glimpse into the water sign dominated by the moon. The Crab. If you ask me nicely, I may just pinch your ass.

 

January 10, 2012

It has come to my attention by three people in the span of a month that some of my writing has hurt or offended those that have read it.

My first initial reaction is guilt. Despite what some may think, it deeply saddens me that I have caused anyone pain in any way, shape or form. I have always taken some pride in being a caring person and to hear this makes me realize that maybe I’m not who I think I am and need to reevaluate myself and think about others before I write.

My second reaction is anger. This is my personal blog where I am allowed to express myself in whatever way I see fit and if you don’t like what I write, then don’t fucking read it. You know, First Amendment rights and all that.

I find myself at a crossroad now: continue writing without regard to what anyone thinks, or to stop writing all together. I don’t want to cause anyone grief, but on the other hand, this here blog is my therapy. It keeps me sane…or helps me at least claim some semblance of sanity.

So. What to do next? Good question.

Until then…the end?