December 20, 2011

What a day, what a day, what a day.

Today was the funeral of my grandmother-in-law, Leona. This sounds bizarre, but it was a wonderful funeral. That seems like a contradiction in terms, but honestly, I hope I have a funeral like hers. It was obviously heartbreaking and very sad to finally come to terms with the fact she is gone from our physical lives, but during the service, several people stood up and shared memories they had of Leona and it never ceases to amaze me the scope of emotions us humans can go through in a matter of seconds.

I was crying and laughing at the same time. If that doesn’t make you feel mentally unstable, I don’t know what does, but it was such a relief to be able to laugh. Funerals, to me, are always so grim and dismal, but Leona’s gave us a chance to truly celebrate her life, and my goodness, what a life she led. I always enjoyed hearing the grandkids share stories of growing up, but to hear members of the community and other extended family members tell their tales was incredible. That’s how funerals should be and I’m grateful I got to be a part of hers.

As you know, I was also slightly nervous about attending due to some of the family not knowing the situation between Jason and I, and while there were a few “Hi Erin, how are you and Jason doing?” moments, I handled them with grace and poise and successfully managed to divert the conversation to avoid further awkwardness. So yay.

It was also the first time I’ve seen Jason in over four months. Honestly, it was good to see him. That little shit has gotten so skinny…my god. He looked well, though; not sickly thin, which I was scared of. He even sat next to me in church and I was glad he did so. I hope I was able to offer him some comfort; he was obviously emotional and without hesitation, I put my arm around him and he leaned in and rested his head on my shoulder for part of the service.

After the service, my sisters/brothers-in-law all went to my mother-in-law’s house and we sat around to unwind. It was like old times again and that was kind of emotional for me; Sandy, my mother-in-law, has always said that I will be part of her family and for that, I’m eternally thankful. After a few hours there, the nieces and nephew were starting to tear the house apart, so their parents decided a trip to an indoor playground was in order, so we all convened for the day. To my surprise, Jason asked if he could ride back with me, which I accepted.

The ride wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be; he always felt comfortable talking in the car, for some reason, and we were able to have a short but needed conversation about his current situation. He accepted his family’s pleas for seeking counseling and treatment and is on a waiting list to begin outpatient therapy, and hopefully that begins within the next week or so. He said he’s ready for the help, and that brought tears to my eyes. For him to admit that, not only to me, but to himself is epic, people. Epic. I only wish him the best and hope he can commit to the treatment and finally be the man I know he’s been capable of being for years. But you know, I’ve also been in a similar situation in my life; you see you need to make a change and are aware of it, but YOU have to be ready to make it and willing to accept the fact that yes, things are getting out of my control and it’s time to do something about it. Don’t let things pile up until they drown you, and I seriously am kind of dumbfounded he’s come to that realization.

I did give him a stern look and too tight of a hug when I dropped him off, though–I asked him to not go months without contact again because he knows I care about him and want to help him in any way I can, and if he pulls that shit with me again, we’re going to have words. I got a sheepish look and he said he’d be better. I had best stick to those words; he may be bigger/stronger than me, but he’s seen me livid pissed off angry before and I don’t think he cares to witness that again.

So. That’s been my day. I’m glad it’s mostly over, but am pleased with how it went, aside from the funeral thing. Now I’m off to find Christmas gifts for two girls and I have no idea what the hell a ZhuZhu pet is or if it’s even legal to own in the United States, but that’s what one of my nieces wants, so I guess.

Wish me luck.

Best regards,

E

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