Heeeeeere’s Johnny!

It is with great pride, and a bit of a humble brag, that I announce to you the triumphant return of “Adventures In Not Smoking.”

Wh-wh-wh-whaaaat?!

Yes. It’s back. I’m going to kick the habit this time, and I don’t mean a nun in the head, either. I mean smoking. Why the sudden vigor and zest? Well, again, health, but also, it’s uh…work mandated now as part of our health insurance. “Hey, you want to keep smoking? That’s cool; we’ll just drop you down a tier in your health insurance plan, so instead of getting the shaft, you’ll be getting the shaft AND the foot up the ass.”

Which brings me to tonight’s tale. I enrolled in a tobacco cessation program, and part of the gig is to speak with a health coach. It’s like a life coach, but with your health (duh).

My first consultation was this afternoon. I got the call, and excused myself to one of our empty patient rooms, and closed the door behind me. I can only imagine what my co-workers thought about me taking a “secret phone call” and then shutting myself in a room.

My coach’s name is Stacee, and I’m smitten with her. She is the greatest thing ever. I think we spent most of our 20 minutes on the phone laughing interrupted by bursts of business talk.

First of all, she was calling from the south, so she had a charming accent. Points awarded immediately.

Second, she was just a sassy woman. I love sass, as I, too, am well versed in sass. We got along famously.

My favorite part of the interview was when she asked me about my smoking past. I gave her the shpeel–“social” smoker since age 20, then regular smoker 2 years ago. Like I knew she would, she asked, “what changed that made you start smoking more frequently?”

“Well, Stacee, it went down like this: started having marital problems.”

“Oh LORD HAVE MERCY,” she exclaimed. “Men are the WORST!” Obviously, Stacee has had some boy troubles, as well. More points awarded to her.

Again, I can only imagine what was going on in my co-workers minds, as this brought a huge laugh from me, and as I said earlier, we laughed for 15 of our 20 minute conversation.

So, we came up with a game plan, and I gotta tell ya, I like it. I like it a lot. Stacee with two e’s asked me to name my 5 best cigarettes of the day.

Easy:

1. First thing in the morning, while I let Blue outside to use Mother Nature as a toilet.

2 and 3. On my way to work.

4 and 5. Lunch break.

Stacee with the two e’s suggested this–remove one of those, and cut back on the rest. So, no more smoking before work, as that will also save me some time getting ready for work, and only smoke one going to work and on lunch.

It seems so freaking simple that it can’t work. But as Occham’s Razor says, “the best answer is always the simplest.”

I speak with Stacee with two e’s in two weeks time, so hopefully, I can report back to her that I’ve been able to stick with this plan.

That’s it. That’s all I have.

To Adventures In Not Smoking!

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