Gross title, but this is what needs to happen at the moment. I have so much crap swirling around in my grey matter, that if I don’t release it, I’ll never be able to move forward. I’m purging my thoughts. I feel kind of like a boner for doing it via blog, but fuck it.
And yes, I just said “boner” and “but fuck.”
Ready? Here we go…
1. One year ago, I was stupid. More than stupid; I was a giant fucking idiotic imbecile. I shared the same brain capacity and I.Q. as the pair of socks that are on my floor right now. Stupid. So, so, so, so, so stupid. Why was I such a moron? Well, let’s see: how about getting arrested for a DUI and quasi-cheating on my then-husband? How does that grab ya?
Perhaps it’s the fact I’m approaching thirty-years-old that I’m having a sudden influx of maturity, or finally accepting my actions of the year prior. Either way, I’ve been beating myself up over this for a few weeks now. I haven’t been sleeping well, I’ve been consuming a touch more liquor than I should be, which IRONY ALERT, is how I got in the mess of one year past to begin with.
Here’s a little timeline to illustrate my retardation:
trouble at home —> drinking more —> befriending a guy who made me feel “special” —> getting shitfaced drunk with said guy 5 out of 7 days a week —> DUI —> almost lost job —> lost husband —> went to mental ward due to “stress related issues” —> rehab for alcohol —> kind of started getting shit together —> doing fairly well with certain aspects of life —> March rolls around…would have been 8 years married, enter mini-freak out —> April rolls around…remembering stupidity from last year, insert another mini-freak out —> May rolls around…trying to tell myself I’m an okay person, everyone makes mistakes, blah blah blah.
Seeing it all laid out like this…sigh.
2. I am broke. Like, broke broke. And not in a metaphorical way, either. We are talking monetary-wise. I cannot get my head above water. Even though Jason was only working part-time and bringing in little income, that was still money. Now, without his share, it’s rough. I am terrible with money. I should not be allowed to have any.
3. Gaining weight. About 3 years ago, I lost 60 pounds. I did not lose it hard enough, because I have found thirty-five of those pounds again.
4. Sporting an impossible crush.
5. My dog has a licking problem.
6. Turning 30 in a little less than two months. Enter Three Decade Crisis. See previous points as to why I’m in crisis. I need to take control of my life, I need to be responsible, and I need to do it post haste.
7. General funk. I need a change. I’m scared of change. I’m a walking contradiction.
8. Because of all of the above consuming all of my free brain space, my creativity is suffering. I haven’t written in a while, and this doesn’t count. This is brain purge in an effort to regain creativity. A plea, really. I have ideas, but I’ll be goddamn if they present themselves as anything other than fleeting thoughts. Sigh again.
And that about does it. Thanks for muddling through this, if you did. I realize I sound like a whiny wanker, but goddamn it, it kind of helped, so thank you.