I am Aquaman.
Man, that is still weird to hear myself say, but it’s the truth. I, Arthur Curry, am Aquaman.
How did I get to be this way? Well, basically, my dad made it with a mermaid from Atlantis. As a kid growing up, I liked to watch the Tom Hanks movie “Splash” and pretend that was my parents. But really, in all honesty, my old man was a sailor and he got drunk one night, fell off his boat and my mother rescued him. How they, uh…fornicated is a bit of a mystery to me, but I don’t want to know the sordid details. All I know is that I am the product of their unholy union.
Growing up was a bit of a challenge. I didn’t see my mom at all, so my dad was responsible for raising me, which was fine. Besides, when your mother’s family are all aquatic sea creatures, you kind of tend to not have much in common. But I digress.
I knew from an early age there was something different about me, aside from the gills on the side of my neck that is. Dad always changed the subject when I asked about them.
“Dad? Why do I have gills? You don’t have gills. None of the other kids at school have gills….”
“Shut up and eat your chum, son,” came the grizzled reply.
So, I let it rest, and just embraced my difference and made due. Besides, I was a champion swimmer on my school’s team and won a crap load of medals. State champion, bitches! My records for speed are yet to be matched. Michael Phelps? You ain’t got shit on Aquaman.
I don’t know what made me decide to turn to fighting a life of crime. I mean, I obviously could have gone places with the whole being a fantastic swimmer thing, but that got boring for me. Defeating evil-doers? Now THAT is exciting!
The day I made my life decision to become Aquaman was pretty ordinary in terms of how my days usually went. I was out for a swim in my local bay area, when a dolphin came up to me and was in a tizzy.
“What is it, fella? What’s wrong?”
“Squeak, click, click, squeak!”
“Holy mackerel! I’ll help right away!”
The dolphin told me that a local fisherman was out getting his daily catch when his ship boat got ransacked by wanna-be pirates. Of course I had to help, and followed the dolphin to the scene.
Just like the dolphin had said, there was a fisherman on his tiny ship, but he was tied to the mast. He was yelling for someone to help him. I swam up to his boat and climbed aboard.
“Who the hell are you? Are you going to steal from me, too? Well jokes on you, asshole, those other pirates already took everything I had.”
“Fear not, citizen,” I tried to calm the irate man. “I’m here to help you. My name is Art–er, uh, my name is AQUAMAN!!”
Damn…that felt so fantastic to say…liberating. I was going to DO something, damn it! I was going to help a fellow human in distress!
The man looked me over, and gave me a “yeah, whatever” look. Maybe it was the Speedo….
“Yeah, okay. Look, just untie me and I’ll radio the Coast Guard for help.”
“Nonsense. I am Aquaman! Which direction did those miscreants go, citizen?”
“They headed thatta way,” he gestured west with his head.
I untied the man, and assured him I will catch up with the so-called pirates and return what was his. I could tell he was reluctant to believe me, and I was willing to prove him wrong.
I dove off the side of the boat and swam in the direction the man said the pirates went. In a few minutes, I spotted a run-down looking vessel in the horizon. This had to be them. I went underwater and swam underneath the ship. I was looking for a way to disable the boat from traveling any further, and I found what I was looking for. The anchor. And we just happened to be near a coral reef, so I grabbed the anchor and swam as fast and hard as I could to the reef and connected the end to the structure. They weren’t going anywhere.
Just as I planned, the ship stalled and the pirates all came out of the cabin to see what what was up. They were yelling and cursing and trying to maneuver the boat forward, but it was stuck tight to the reef.
I shimmied up a rope dangling off the side and silently got onboard. I hid behind a coil of rope and waited to make my move.
One of the pirates was heading my way, and just as he walked by me, I jumped out and pulled a Chuck Norris-type kick to his face, sending him over the railing and into the water below. His cohorts heard the commotion and came running to his aid. I put my fighting skills to further use and proceeded to hand out ass kickings in every direction. I am Aquaman!! I tied the unconscious men together with the rope I had hidden behind and stood ominously over them, looming like a dark cloud.
Slowly, they came to.
“What the hell!? What’s going on?! Who are you?!” said the men.
“I. Am. Aquaman. And I believe you have committed a crime, and I am here to right the wrong you have done.”
Goddamn it. I am so cool.
After the severe beating I gave the men, they were willing to cooperate, just like I had imagined. I commandeered their ship and navigated it back to shore, where I knew the fisherman would be waiting with the Coast Guard. As we sailed into port, I knew that this was the life meant for me. I was born to be a superhero.
Of course, I was praised for my bravery and was given a key to the city by the Mayor. Accolades were mine, and I relished them.
So that’s that. That’s the story of how I, Arthur Curry became Aquaman.
Go see my movie, bitches!