…the saga continues…
Holy shit. Ho. Lee. Shit.
I did it. I smoked my last cigarette tonight. I’m out. No more. Fin. Done. Or so I hope…
I had a small panic attack earlier about how many cigarettes I had left, which at the time, was three. Like, a full-blown panic attack. Nervous, jittery, and I kept saying to myself, “what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck?” Then I’d look at my nearly empty box of cigarettes, and I’d get more anxious about not smoking. Like, what if smoking is the key to something? And by quitting, I’m ignoring my opportunity to unlock something magical?
But really, those were the rantings of a semi-crazy person. I’ve relaxed since then, thanks to the wonder drug Ativan, and a glass…or two of wine…but I’m not freaking about not being able to smoke. It’s like I said in my first post–I started smoking due to something bad happening in my life. Now that this “thing” is gone, so to speak, so should this habit, and I’m determined to keep it that way.
I made the mistake yesterday, while researching for the blog that didn’t get posted….ahem….thanks WordPress….but anyway, I was researching what exactly it is about nicotine that makes it so goddamned hard to quit. The answer lied in endorphins. Those pesky chemicals in the brain that give you feelings of euphoria. Nicotine produces endorphins, and who doesn’t want to feel super duper all the time? I sure do. But nicotine is also a huge bitch. All that carbon dioxide you’re keeping in your body…yeah, that’s healthy….
Anyway, now, I’m doing okay. So far. Of course this could be the wine and the anti-anxiety drugs I have taken tonight, but really, all in all, I’m doing alright. Now begins the hellacious decent into nicotine withdrawal, which I’m sure will be a trip down a watermelon waterfall. I’m thankful I have medication, that’s all I’m saying. I hope I can keep my surliness and general “fuck you” attitude at bay, but many apologies to those who will suffer my wrath. I plan on eating a lot of popcicles, as I need something to satiate that oral fixation (ha ha, I said oral).
Okay then. Let’s do this thing, as now begins the real testament to my willpower. I have decided that every time I want to buy a pack of cigarettes, I’m going to take that money and put it in the loose change jar I have on my dresser. Like I said in my first post, I’ve spent roughly one billion dollars over the last year-and-a-half on cigarettes, so I’m hoping I’ll save up quite the chunk of change. Maybe I can buy something cool, like….something….cool kids buy…..
So ends Day Three of Adventures In Not Smoking. Pack gone, last cigarette a charred remains in the bottom of my ashtray.
And I’d like to take this time to thank everyone for your support thus far. You’ve all been great, and very encouraging, and I appreciate your interest in helping me kick the habit. You guys rock.
Alrighty then. My wine that I have been drinking is starting to make me sleepy, and I feel it’s time to hit the hay. Tomorrow is a new day, and a hopefully smoke-free day.