How To Throw Punches Without Getting Hurt

(Author’s note: inspired by Lynn)


Step One: Find a worthy opponent, preferably the more feeble the adversary, the better.  Think small child or elderly person.

Step Two: Insult your opponent; find a flaw of their’s and narrow in on it.  Bad skin? “Hey, nice face, Acne McGee.”  Dressed poorly? “Hey, you look dumb.”  Low SAT score? “You know, the idea is to get INTO college, not make sure you never amount to anything, dummy.”

Step Three: This step is key, as it can go one of two ways.  You may either need to repeat Step Two to further antagonize your target, or you need to get into your fighting stance, which is feet shoulder-width apart, and arms raised up to your face and making fists. 

Step Four: Once your opponent is properly pissed off and ready to wail on you, this is when you should throw the first punch, but confuse and bewilder your foe first by suddenly standing up straight and pointing off behind them and saying, “Oh, look! A baby deer!” because you know that no one can resist a baby deer.  As your opponent looks around for the deer, this is when you strike.  A nice right hook should suffice, but since you are a terrible fighter, you miss their face and end up punching them somewhere between their neck and jaw.  This still stuns your opponent and gives you time to complete the fifth and final step.

Step Five: Run like hell. 

This has been your step-by-step guide to throwing punches without getting hurt.  I hope you’ve learned a little something during this journey, and can put these steps to good use.

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