Rarely Serious, Always Silly

Until now.

There comes a time in a woman’s life when she must take inventory of all around her: her career, her relationships, her goals, dreams, and aspirations.

Then, she must decide if what she just inventoried is what she envisioned for herself. She must ask the inner child if it is pleased, as after all, we live to satisfy our inner child. If the inside kid ain’t happy, the outside kid ain’t gonna be happy, neither.

What I mean by this is, you know when you were a child, you had all these huge dreams for yourselves? Astronaut, fireman, ballerina, President, Snooki from Jersey Shore…

Anyway, what I’m trying to say, it’s like that movie with Bruce Willis and he somehow meets his precocious ten-year-old self and Little Willis isn’t at all impressed with Big Willis’s life.

You wake up one morning and realize you let yourself down. You’re not doing what you promised yourself you would do. You settled. You work at a job you dislike greatly, if not loathe. You feel you got married too soon, or if unmarried, you can’t believe you still haven’t found “The One.” You worry constantly about bills, money, how you don’t have enough money, how you have too many bills, how the Buffalo Bills suck this year…
(Have I mentioned I’m always silly? I can’t turn it off. I’ve tried.)

Anyway, you have your, what Oprah calls the “Aha! Moment.” (For all intensive purposes, I believe with a strong conviction Oprah may be Satan.)

Getting back to the “Oh, SHIT!!” moment, as I like to call them, you wake up one day, either lying next to the man/woman you’ve grown to resent, or, if still single (loser),  lying next to the dog that hogs half the bed and snores too loudly at night. Either way, you’re in bed, you wake up and you’re PISSED OFF.

“What the hell happened to my life?! Who’s in charge here?!  OH SHIT!! ME!! I’M the asshole!! ME!! I did this to myself!!”
(silence, as you reflect in quite anger and self-loathing)

You bolt upright in bed, eyes wild with crazy fury, nostrils flaring, breathing heavily, spit forming at the corners of your mouth. You are THAT p.o.’ed. Your job SUCKS!! You HATE your wife/husband/dog/cat/mountain goat!! You’re supposed to be the fucking King of All Things Awesome according to your inner child, but instead, you’re here. Mediocrity grabbed your by the short and curlies years ago, friend, and has never let go.

Now what?  What are you going to do about it, punk?  Sit here and whine like Paris Hilton being sentenced to her ninetieth trip to jail, or get up and DO SOMETHING?

No, jackass, you are going to get up and do something! Anything!  Ok, maybe not anything, at least you have the motivation to know you must make changes to make your inner child at peace with you, or that little brat is going to keep throwing temper tantrums.

This, dear readers, is where I am at today.  At the risk of sounding horribly cliché, life, as they say, has given me some lemons lately.  A huge, motherfucking lemon grove, complete with immigrant workers and the IRS sniffing down my neck with claims of using day laborers.  I admit to you all, that I have allowed myself to wallow in my own filthy self-pity and “why did this have to happen” malarky for long enough. 

If I didn’t hate Bob Dylan so much, I’d quote him by saying, “the times, they are a-changin’.” But I guess I just did, so never mind.  I still don’t like his drunken cat horking up a hairball voice, though. 

Do whatever/whomever you want, friends. Pure and simple. 

Married to a shrew/dick or just lost the lustre of your once sterling relationship?  Either fix it–but know this: fixing requires both parties be interested, otherwise, it’s a giant waste of time, energy, and saves you a heap big heartache. My advice?  End it.  Have kids?  Worried getting divorced will ruin the little tykes outlook of love and life?  Don’t be.  Kids are geniuses by adult standards and know much more than they let on.  In fact, have yourself a sit down with Little Billy and be straightforward with him.  Lay it all out on his Spiderman bed sheets for him.  Don’t candy-coat anything.  But do offer candy to him–he is a kid, for christ’s sake.  Chances are, I bet after you tell him, he’ll look you in your eyes and say, “Jesus christ, it’s about fucking time!” See?  Kids.  Always awesome.

Okay, honestly and truly, for one moment, I will allow Rarely Serious to take the stage and go get Always Silly something to keep her preoccupied.

As a person who has found themselves going down a road less traveled, a road I thought didn’t exist until shoved into the middle of said road right as a truck was driving down it, it’s headlights blaring white into my eyes, blinding me….it’s scary as shit to be on this road, but the view from here is far better than the one I was just on.  I can see myself going somewhere on this road, where the other one appeared to have some detours and road work with no signs of getting completed. 

My biggest obstacle is worry.  I worry about making this decision, I worry that it will affect those closest to me adversely, I worry that it is in face the WRONG decision, but then I stop and realize, this is my life.  Mine.  The only thing that is really, truly, honestly MINE.  Sure, there’s a lot of people and things in my life, but it’s still mine.  Sometimes you have to consider yourself selfish and do what makes you want to get up in the morning without lying in bed, thinking of ways to avoid doing what you think you’re supposed to do. 

Do what you want.

End of life lesson.

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