You know when you drink too much beer when you start pouring other beverages at an angle into the glass to “reduce foam.”
The Snuggie rivals the Tiddy Bear as greatest invention of the 21st century.
Does anyone watch The Price Is Right now that Drew Carey is the host? I know I sure don’t. Losing Bob Barker is like the Day The Music Died for gameshows. What next? Is Alex Trebec going to shave his mousta–oh, crap….
I wish Coke and Pepsi would join forces and create a super cola that is capable of curing cancer and creating world peace.
I’m scared of the ocean. I’m convinced that a giant squid is going to come up out of the depths of Poseidon’s realm and eat me. Plus, I watched “The Little Mermaid” way too many times as a youngster and if Ursala the Sea Witch is real, I don’t want to be alive.
While I despise Ernest Hemmingway and think he’s a terrible writer, what I wouldn’t give to live my life as he did: drinking and writing. Curse you, Hemmingway!
I am still not over the fact that Pluto is no longer a planet. Did astronomers ever take Pluto’s feelings into account? No. They didn’t. Well, how about this: I declare Saturn a trollop. See? Not so very nice, is it?
I have three copies of Dante’s Inferno and haven’t finished any of them.
I wish Phil Hartman was still alive because I don’t like the guy who attempts to do the voice of Troy McClure on the Simpsons. Close, but no cigar.
Water chestnuts are foul little things and do not belong in my food. I don’t care they have no flavor and add a delightful crunch. It reminds me of eating toenails and I can’t get behind that.
William Shatner is being kept alive by pure willpower and toupee glue.
If you remove the sword tattoo from UFC fighter Brock Lesnar’s chest, you will become the new king of Camelot.
National Public Radio is the best thing about the radio these days. No, really….it is.
If you want to destroy my sweater, wash it in warm water and place it in the dryer.
In the words of the incomparable Mitch Hedberg: This shirt is dry clean only which means it’s dirty.
John Mayer is right: my body is a wonderland. It’s just closed for the season.
“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone but they’ve always worked for me.”
— Hunter S. Thompson