My childhood sucked.

It did, really.  I had a boring, lame, uneventful childhood.  Oh sure, all my stories may seem fantastical and wonderful, but I’ll let you all in on a little secret:  lies.  All lies.  The subject itself is true, but the story is all bullshit.  Corey never beat Mandi unconscious….Mandi was never a lumberjack….Chad never had a family….all lies.  I’m sorry I was so deceitful, but you understand, don’t you?  I had to win you all over and telling little fibs was how I managed to do that.  I’m sorry. 

Growing up, it was just my parents, my older brother Nate, and me.  We had our fair share of good times and plenty of laughs, but nothing compared to the wonderful stories of my husbands past.  Oh, the stories this man tells me!  I am so jealous of him and his brother and sisters!  I wish that some of his great tales could be mine, but alas, they are not. 

I have favorite stories featuring each of the Zulkoski children.  I’ll start with Jennie, the youngest. 

Picture this:  a young girl, all of age three, kneeling beside the toilet.  She is singing ever so softly into the bowl of her porcelain throne.  What song graces the lips of such a precious young child?  “I’m wishing (I’m wishing), for the one I love, to find him (to find him), someday (someday).”  The song Snow White sings into her wishing well in the Disney movie.  How amazing is that?!  Oh, how I laughed and laughed when I heard this story.  And how freaking adorable would it have been to walk into your bathroom to see your youngest child singing her little heart out into a toilet?!  My god…priceless.

Next, a tale of John Paul, oldest son, second oldest sibling.

Young John Paul and Mother Sandra are at church one Saturday morning; Mother Sandra is the church pianist and is practicing her songs for the following days services.  Mom is busy upstairs in the choir loft, tinkling away at the old ivories and decides to take a break.  Below her, her young son John is playing near the pulpit, keeping out of trouble.  Sandy returns from her break and sees John is near the front of the church, standing directly under the statue of Jesus Christ’s crusifixtion.  Little John is looking up at J.C. and yells  up at his Saviour:  “Hey, Jesus!  I’m talking to you!  When are you going to come down off of that cross and play with me?!”  Methinks that if Jesus were to appear before John, it wouldn’t be to play……

Now, a story from the eldest Zulkoski heir, Sarah Deanne.

This story is fairly recent and occurred a few years ago at Thanksgiving.  Mother Sandy’s youngest sister was in town visiting for the holiday and had in tow her four young boys, ages 12 to 4 at the time.  The entire Zulkoski clan was congregated in the living room, chatting and making pleasantries with the visiting cousins and aunt.  It should be noted at this time that these children were spawned from Satan himself.  Ugly as the deepest pits of Hades itself.  Sarah was trying to make nice with her bizarre cousins and asked them if they were all excited to see the first Harry Potter movie, which had just been released into theatres.  The youngest cousin lifts uphis giant head and stares at Sarah with bulging, cross-eyed peepers and says with a lisp, “We can’t see it because it has too much magic.”  There is silence, save for me, who has retreated into the kitchen because if I were to stay in the living room, I was going to lose my shit completely.  “Oh,” says Sarah cooly, “that’s too bad.  It’s going to be a good movie, even if it does have alot of magic in it.”  I had had enough and Jason had to take me outside so I could release the explosion of laughter that was threatening to kill me.  My god….”too much magic….”  That is now the Zulkoski credo.  We’re working on getting official family t-shirts printed up.

And now, for my prize possession, my husband, Jason.  He is the youngest son and second youngest child.  This is difficult, being that Jason has many, many good tales, but this one is my favorite because this epitomizes JJ to a T. 

Mother Sandy had just gotten done baking a special treat:  jam filled muffins.  It was always a thrill to get to eat one of these tasty bites right from the oven, piping hot and delicious, steam rising in your face and crumbs falling all around you.  Mother had just called the kids into the kitchen to let them divulge in the special snack, and Jason was eager to get a big mouthful.  He grabbed a muffin off the counter, handling it carefully as it was very hot, unwrapped the tiny cake, and took a big bite.  His mouth was full of the warm goodness and he was savoring his bite, but his elation was short lived.  His foot was searing with a burning fire of a thousand Hells.  What was this?!  What’s going on?!  He began hopping around the kitchen like a madman, trying to dance the pain way, but to no avail.  Frightened her child was hurt, Sandra stopped Jason from hopping around and asked him what was the matter.  Through a mouthful of muffin and eyes full of tears, Jason told his mother that his foot hurt very badly and it felt like it was on fire.  Sandy looked down at her youngest sons foot and started to laugh.  She tried to hide her outburst, but could not.  The cause of her child’s pain was this:  the apricot jam that had been baked into the muffin had fallen out of the bottom and landed on top of Jason’s bare foot.  Hilarious.

See what I mean?  These stories are amazing!!  I’ve got jackshit compared to my in-laws! 

Oh well.  At least I had my mother and father’s love.

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