That is how I feel right now: angry.
Long story short–went out last night, had some Colorado Kool-Aid, woke up this morning wanting to quench the demons from last night and nothing does this better than a nice greasy sausage McMuffin and hash browns from. I used to love Mickey D’s as a tot and who knew that my love would grow with me? I don’t usually eat there because who craves on a regular basis? Only when I’m drunk, thanks. I mean, I have my boundaries.
ANYHOO, I woke up this morning and I knew where I had to go before school. I got into the car and made my way to my friendly neighborhood. I should have known some sort of shenanigans would arise.
First of all, the drive thru is split into 2 lanes. I hate that. How do they know if they’re giving you the right order? Oh, don’t worry. They don’t.
As I was driving up, I saw an employee outside, just chilling out, holding a tray of something. I slowed down and she said something, I kept going until I realized she spoke to me, so than I kind of hit my brakes, but I was too far past her so I kept going. I felt like an ass. She had samples of some sort. Free food, people. You never miss an opportunity for free food. Dammit, if I could do it all over again, I would. So I drive up to the speaker box thinger and there is someone in the next lane, also. In my past experiences, the drive thru operator does orders one at a time. Not today; I heard the lady next to me giving her order and then at the same time I was giving my order. This gave me a slight panic moment inside, but I got done first, so I pulled up to give my money. The amount was correct, so I prematurely expected great things from this trip.
I drove up to get my food. Keep in mind that I had ordered a #2 (sausage egg mcmuffin), orange juice, and a 42 oz soda because they are only 89 cents. I drove up and was immediately alarmed to see that being handed to me was a medium soft drink and then my food bag. I was all, “Uh, I had an orange juice and a 42 oz Diet Coke.” The girl behind the glass looked at me. “Oh, this isn’t yours?” Noooo…..that’s kind of what I had implied when I said “I had an orange juice and Diet Coke.” Gosh.
I handed my drink back to her and waited as she got my right drinks ready. Now, having said this, any normal, cognitive thinking person would then have an alarm go off inside the cranium, alerting them to maybe check the contents of the food bag. As you all know, I am not a normal person, so I did not. And I’ll be damned if i didn’t get the right food!!
Is there something wrong with me? And Jason, too, because it seems thathas some sort of hidden agenda against us. I am constantly not getting the right food, which if you think about it, is retarded because you would think that I would be very cautious about my checking my food to make sure it’s correct. But I don’t. Because I’m too trusting of the McDonald’s corporation. How can you not trust a company whose mascot is a friendly, bright red headed clownman? Look at his giant red shoes!! And his wacky yellow speed suit/equestrian outfit!! He just begs to be loved!! And I do. Foolishly, I do… And Jason’s had terrible luck too. I remember fondly the time he ordered a sandwich and asked for extra pickles and when he got home to eat said sandwich, all there was on the bun was a very naked hamburger patty. I guess in land “extra pickles” means “don’t’ put anything on my sandwich except for your hard work and sweat.” Just outrageous.
I get to school, get situated, and open my sandwich. Now keep in mind, the drunken tummy is very adamant about the foods it has in it, which is why mine prefers the sausage egg mcmuffin. Nothing else works. Nothing else soothes me like my mothers soft touch than a sausage egg mcmuffin. I took a bite.
First of all, I get slapped in the face by an old tasting mcmuffin. There was nothing “mc” about it. So my taste buds were assaulted by that. Then, I realized with great horror that I was not savoring a delicious sausage patty, but instead a leathery, bland slab of ham. WTF?! Now you’re just mocking me. Ham? Really? I guess I should feel kind of like a hero because I saved some other person from getting slapped in the face with this trash, but on the other hand, that means someone is enjoying MY sausage egg mcmuffin right now and thriving on the benefits it produces!! Son of a bitch!!
I am in shock. Again. They did it again. This is the point where I belittle the employees of McDonald’s: Fast food isn’t rocket science. Sure, I can appreciate the fact that times get a little hectic and crazy in the biz, but for corn’s sake, how difficult is it to make sure the public is getting fed? It’s not difficult at all. Really. You obviously wouldn’t have been hired if you didn’t possess some sort of problem-solving skills and can form complete sentences. Just think, people. Think. My god…
My whole day is off kilter and ruined. I was depending on my sausage egg mcmuffin. I needed it to live. Now, I’m just an empty shell of a person, wandering aimlessly through life, devoid of all the pleasures I once found comport and solace in. My days blend together like dripping paint on a wet canvas that I call my life. The nipples of Mother Hope have run dry.
Having said that, I will take my leave of you. I’m weak right now. I don’t have the life force of 600 calories of greasy sausage and egg food product coursing my veins. I hope you all learn something from this tale: If we go to, make sure I get the right food.