Apparently, being a girl isn’t working out so hot for me.
I have been “fake baking” because I am in my best friend’s wedding in July and didn’t want to look like I just crawled out from under a rock. I am 25 years old and have never been tanning in my entire life. I usually do it the old fashioned way: lay outside on the lawn. So the actual tanning experience is totally foreign to me.
First of all, I didn’t realize that you had to put the lid down. Here I was, laying in the bed, lid up, and I began to notice that my backside was getting color whereas my front was not. Awesome. I have since learned to close the bed. Good for me!
Second, I always laid on my back. I began to notice that the area above my boobs was not getting any color. What? But I’m shutting the lid now! What gives, yo? Well, I’m chesty, hence, when I lay down, gravity works against me and my giant bazoombas were blocking the rays from my chest. To remedy this, I have been lying on my stomach and much to my approval, this is working.
My latest exploit is this: I tan with me underoos on. I just can’t quite bring myself to tan in the buff–I think it’s gross. Think about it: Lord knows how many people in the bed before me and can you really trust the so-called “sanitizing” spray they use to wipe the beds down? Uh…no. I’m not having my girl bits touching some one else’s bits. Unless I want them too, but that’s a different story all together. So, here I am, underpants on, and I’ve noticed that my butt has like, 3 different tan lines. Obviously, I do not wear the same pair of knickers every time I go tanning and obviously, all my pantaloons are not the same style; some are lower cut than others. Therefore, I kind of have a neopolitan ice cream effect going on on my toosh. I go from dark brown to pink to white.
I amaze myself.
When will the madness end?! Soon, I hope….the wedding is a little over a month away, so I hope I can get by without too many more boners.
You all want to be my friends now, dont you?
I would, too.