I need to stop…

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Apparently, being a girl isn’t working out so hot for me. 

I have been “fake baking” because I am in my best friend’s wedding in July and didn’t want to look like I just crawled out from under a rock.  I am 25 years old and have never been tanning in my entire life.  I usually do it the old fashioned way:  lay outside on the lawn.  So the actual tanning experience is totally foreign to me. 

First of all, I didn’t realize that you had to put the lid down.  Here I was, laying in the bed, lid up, and I began to notice that my backside was getting color whereas my front was not.  Awesome.  I have since learned to close the bed.  Good for me!

Second, I always laid on my back.  I began to notice that the area above my boobs was not getting any color.  What?  But I’m shutting the lid now!  What gives, yo?  Well, I’m chesty, hence, when I lay down, gravity works against me and my giant bazoombas were blocking the rays from my chest.  To remedy this, I have been lying on my stomach and much to my approval, this is working.

My latest exploit is this:  I tan with me underoos on.  I just can’t quite bring myself to tan in the buff–I think it’s gross.  Think about it:  Lord knows how many people in the bed before me and can you really trust the so-called “sanitizing” spray they use to wipe the beds down?  Uh…no.  I’m not having my girl bits touching some one else’s bits.  Unless I want them too, but that’s a different story all together.  So, here I am, underpants on, and I’ve noticed that my butt has like, 3 different tan lines.  Obviously, I do not wear the same pair of knickers every time I go tanning and obviously, all my pantaloons are not the same style; some are lower cut than others.  Therefore, I kind of have a neopolitan ice cream effect going on on my toosh.  I go from dark brown to pink to white. 

I amaze myself.
When will the madness end?!  Soon, I hope….the wedding is a little over a month away, so I hope I can get by without too many more boners. 

You all want to be my friends now, dont you? 

I would, too. 

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