A guide of what not to do in life

I seem to be an expert on things that are not acceptable, so here is a list of things you should all avoid in life.  It will be a heart smart journey and I hope you all learn a little from your time spent.  Take care.  –Erin

Things You Should Not Do.  Ever.

1)  Tease the grizzly bears.  This should be obvious and hopefully doesn’t need further explanation. 

2)  Kiss a cactus.  Your lips are not invinsible and this will hurt.

3)  Try to stop a bicycle tire with your tongue.  Again, pain is the biggest issue here.  Plus, it tastes like the Michelin Man’s ass.

4)  Invest money in the stock market.  You never know when there will be another Black Monday.  This is why all money saved should be converted to quarters and kept in old Folgers coffee cans, hidden in your back yard.

5)  Ask zaftig women “When’s the baby due?”  You will be sorry…so very, very sorry.

6)  Name your childen after towns in Wyoming, European cities, last names, or random things you see.  These people will be grandparents one day and it’s stupid to have a grandma named Cheyenne McKenzie Paris Epic Sunbeam.  Joe and Margaret are good names.  Use them.  Embrace them. 

7)  Have intimate relations with various farm animals.  Pigs can love other pigs, but you cannot love pigs.  But if this sort of thing is your bag, rent Charolette’s Web and wack it to that.

8)  Asking a friend who is sad, “What’s wrong?  Did your Gramma die?”  Chances are, yes.  Please refrain from doing this. 

9)  Thinking it would be funny to fake a stick up at a bank by writing “Give me all your money!  Ha ha, just kidding!!  LOL!” on your deposit slip.  They will fail to see the humor of the situation. 

10)  If you are white, and you are singing along to a rap song and the “n” word is in it, it is not ok for you to sing along.  Instead, say the word “neighbor.” 

11)  Put your roast beef sandwich in your pocket to save for later, then go to the pound to pick out a puppy for your niece.  Puppies love sandwiches and will ruin your pants.  This will make your mom very upset and we all know how bad it is when mom’s pissed.

12)  Get a ferret for a pet.  “Ferret” is Philipino for “glorified rat.”  I know that a ferret saved everyone’s lives in “Kindergarten Cop”, but that was a movie and this is real life.  Ferrets = trouble.

13)  Pick up smoked cigarette butts from the ground and pretend to smoke them.  This is gross and unsanitary. 

14)  Befriend a monkey.  Sure, it seems like a really great idea now, but you’ll be sorry later when the monkey steals your girlfriend and takes her to Hawaii, because man, they ain’t never comin’ back.

15)  Drinking beer before hard liquor.  Beer before liquor, never been sicker.  Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.

16)  Never stiff your waiter/waitress on a tip.   Just don’t do it.  You’ve all seen Fight Club; you know what happens to the Lobster Bisque.

17)  Leave your oil unchecked in your car.  Apparently, this isn’t good. 

18)  Leave Grandpa sitting the car in July without a window cracked.  His poor little old man body will become more shriveled and your mom will be mad at you again.  And from # 11, we already know that having mom mad is bad business.

19)  Calling collect.  But this might be moot…do payphones even exist anymore?

20)  And finally, saying you will write the next great American novel.  There is no such thing and you should give up your dreams because you’re a janitor and that clogged ladies room toilet isn’t going to fix itself.

So there you go.  I hope this list helped you make some good choices in life and you learned from this experience.   If not, well, you’re hopeless and deserve what comes to you. 

Thank you, and good day.




  1. hollywoodphony · May 18, 2007

    I know you said not to do this, but I bet 11 would be really cute.

  2. john the violator · October 17, 2007

    #10 is so right on. Some people think that if you are white and you are surrounded by other white people that you can drop an n bomb…. not true, don’t do it! i usually use the word “ninja”, but due to recent ninja / pirate contraversy, i agree that neighbor is a safe alternative.

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