I’m not a junkie, I just play one on t.v.

As a medical student, I get the joy of practicing blood draws and injections on my fellow classmates.  On a good day, I will have roughly 20 different needle punctures in my body.  I have track marks that even Keef Richards would be proud of.  My favorite activity is going out somewhere after I’ve been poked and stuck with needles.  I have all these bandaids and this stuff called Coban (it’s like an ace bandage) all over.  It’s even better after a few days when I have giant bruises everywhere.  I get looks of sympathy and some raised eyebrows, too.  Silly people. 

My mom was very concerned when she learned that we would be practicing on each other in class.  I think it was just the fact that it was ok for us to do it on other people that creeped her out.  But honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Some schools do not do it this way:  they uses hotdogs and oranges to practice.  Now, as a patient in a hospital or clinic,  would you rather have someone whose actually worked on other people?  Or someone whose only given shots to a piece of fruit?  Yeah.  That’s what I thought.   What’s even more badass is that we had to practice giving ourselves an injection on the side of our leg.  Let me tell you what, if you don’t feel like a crack-raged junkie after sticking a 1″ needle in your thigh, then I don’t know what will.  And here’s a sight I’m sure most of you will never have the insane priviledge of seeing:  16 women lined up along a table, bent forward,  asses hanging out, all getting shots in the butt.  That’s what I call feeling alive. 

I’ve never minded being stuck with needles.  I give blood regularly, so I’m used to it.  And freak alert, but I like to watch the needle go in and the blood fill up the collection bag.  Not for any perverted reason, but just watching it all take place makes you marvel at the thought that your blood is being used to help other people.  That’s the coolest thing ever.  Lots of people spend tons of money trying to help out others, and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but by donating blood, you’re saving 3 people’s lives and it’s free. 

This might be evil, but I hate the Save The Children campaigns.  I am not a bad person, I just think those commercials are ridiculous.  For 24 cents a day, I can feed 18 kids?  Really?  What are you giving these kids?  Elmer’s glue and wood chips?  Plus, this is horrible, but there’s one commercial where the spokesman is showing pictures of kids and they all have dark hair and skin, but then, heeeelllllooooo!  A blonde hair, blue eyed little girl?  In Thailand?  Did this kids parents send her away to some 3 rd world country?  I don’t get it?  I know, I know, I’m a bastard, but shit.  I know this is also super butthole-ish of me, but we have millions of people in America who can’t afford food….why aren’t there any Save the American Children campaigns?  Or maybe in other countries, there are commercials for that.  Wealthy Chinese businessmen sending all their yen over to America to help feed some poor kids in Detroit.  I doubt it.  But it would be kick ass. 

 This is my major problem with celebrities who make mad stacks of coin.  These douches are sitting on millions of dollars, blowing their money on the latest Gucci handbag that costs more than my first car did.  Spread the wealth, bitches.  And not just in times of crisis, either.  I mean monthly.  Actors and actresses that make upwards of 20 million dollars for shitfest movies like “Ghostrider” and “Monster-In-Law” should automatically have to donate half to charity.  In America. 

Bigotted assface?  Sure, call me what you want, just don’t call me late to dinner.   

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