Anyway, aside from John Moe’s dry and sarcastic and plain goofy humor which I adore, he also has a serious side and he speaks of his deceased older brother, Rick, from time to time and when he does, I’m all ears…well, eyes. I’ve written about John before in a earlier post. If you don’t remember, here it is :http://wp.me/p4xRq-7Y

Rick suffered from depression and committed suicide, so already, I’m going to pay extra attention to what John writes because I, as you all know, have been diagnosed with manic depression and tried to commit suicide myself about two years ago.

John’s tweets are heartbreaking and speak of his love for his brother, yet you can tell he’s angry at Rick for taking his own life. According to John, Rick was also abusing narcotics and from what I gather, left the house when John was 14 because of this…my guess is he got kicked out. Anyway, the two men weren’t close. John admits to kicking Rick out of his life after several incidents that he states were “painful for me and him and didn’t trust him.”  Only later in life, when Rick was seeking treatment at Narcotics Anonymous did they begin reconnecting.

Then, Rick killed himself.

You can feel John’s pain, the loss of his only brother, the loss of the time they could have had together…I can’t help but think of my own brother when I read about Rick. The similarities between the Moe brothers and me and my brother are startling, and the only dissimilarity is the fact that our roles are somewhat reversed.

My brother, Nate, is seven years older than I am and we were never very close growing up, especially when Nate got to be older. Who wants an 8-year-old sister tagging along with you when you’re 15? Nate was always busy with his life, doing things that 15-year-old guys do and was never home. He hated being in one place for too long, and unfortunately, that meant our house. By the time he graduated high school, I didn’t really know my brother, even though I desperately wanted to. I’d sneak into his room when he was gone and listen to his cassette tapes and look through his year books and wanted more than anything to know the guy who was my brother. He was this…force that I was scared of, yet wanted nothing more than to connect with him.

But, he left home and I didn’t see much of him and I reached teenagerdom and began having my own social life and once again, our lives drifted further apart. He eventually moved away to Idaho and has been there for over ten years. He missed so many of my important life events–my high school and college graduations and my wedding. It just never worked out for him to be able to come back. I don’t begrudge my brother for this at all. I would have liked to have had him there with me, to show him that the annoying little girl had grown up, but life got in the way.

I am grateful that as we did get older, we began reconnecting to some extent. Many family disasters drew us closer together and our bond began growing and instead of being afraid of my big brother as I usually was because I was scared of annoying him, I began going to him with problems. Also, he married an amazing woman and she made this transition more smooth for both Nate and myself.

Anyway, my point is that when I began demonstrating signs of depression and when my husband and I began having our problems and he moved out, I was a mess. I turned to my brother and he accepted me willingly. I flew out to Idaho and stayed with him and my sister-in-law for a few days. They were there for me during a very dark time in my life and words can’t even begin to describe how grateful I am for them both. When I tried to commit suicide, they were there for me.

If I had gone through with my plan and ultimately ended my life, I would have left Nate in the same place that Rick left John–never having the opportunity to know your sibling. I would have left a hole in Nate’s life much like the hole Rick has left with John.

Here is where the world starts to make some sense in a way: it’s a tragedy that Rick Moe felt that his life was no longer valuable and that his thinking of ridding himself from the world would solve not only his problems, but the problems he caused his family. I assume Rick thought of himself as a failure, as a nobody. He was dealt a double whammy suffering from depression and trying to get sober from narcotics. His brain was not in a good place and it’s a daunting thing for someone suffering from depression to come to terms with not giving up. We may be committed to getting well, we seek treatment and may do well with it for a while, but then the treatment loses its efficacy and we find ourselves back at square one. The feelings of being a failure return tenfold. Depression sinks its ugly claws into our psyches once more and we start to feel hopeless again.

The key here is to not give up the fight. We want to, but we can’t. We’re worth more than giving up and quitting, if not for ourselves, but for those around us, and that’s why John speaks out about depression so openly and candidly. He’s pissed off his brother didn’t fight harder and pissed off at himself for not urging his brother to fight harder. While I empathize with John on a level he will never know. As a person who suffers depression, I also empathize with Rick. We simply don’t think we’re worth the trouble.

But John sees differently.

“My message to you if you are depressed, ill, need help: let people know you. All of you. All about you. They want to. And give yourself a chance to know other people. Live to meet them. Live to be surprised. There’s never enough time in life, of course, of course. Make as many discoveries as you can and let others do the same. If you need help, get help. If it doesn’t work, try again, try something else. Fight.”

His words are powerful and I’m glad he’s talking about this part of his life. As a radio personality with a rather large following, his words have the ability to reach out to millions of people. Millions of us with depression who may be too scared to do anything about it, thinking there’s no point in trying.

As a person suffering from depression, a person whose been to the lowest point of my life and somehow managed to crawl out of that point, I’m telling you, as a person suffering, help is possible. I’m not saying I’m cured by any means. I have my moments when I flirt with the idea of ending it all again because this goshdarned life is so HARD sometimes, but I think about those whose lives I will affect by killing myself. I am so incredibly lucky to have an amazing group of people who are willing to fight for me and are very vocal in expressing this to me. I may not always want to hear it, but it pulls me out of my funk and I fight it.

Fight. And fight like hell.

Earlier today, I found a very compelling article by Mark Thomas at www.godlessgeeks.com titled “Why Atheism?” It’s a wonderful article and I found myself engrossed in it. Mr. Thomas made many valid points for atheism vs. theism and I found myself nodding my head along to many things he wrote. It’s heavily science-based, stating science give empirical evidence disproving many things about what many hold true for religion, mainly the standard theories of evolution and so on and so forth.

He talks about the Bible being story-telling at its finest, and as I like to refer to the Bible as “a giant game of Telephone,” meaning what one person said has been manipulated over the centuries to the point where the original meaning has been lost. The works of the Bible are pure fiction, in my opinion, but that’s beside the point now.

Some of my favorite points from the article:

“Until a couple of hundred years ago, most people thought that a god or gods controlled everything. ‘Why does the wind blow?’ ‘Why is there lightning and thunder?’ ‘Why did the sun, moon and stars apparently go around the Earth?’ ‘Why did someone get sick and die?’ Why did anything happen? Well, obviously, GOD did it. If a person doesn’t know how anything works or why something happened, they can say, ‘God did it,’ also known as ‘god of the gaps’ and it is the heart of the conflict between science and religion. Science looks for natural causes, while religion looks for supernatural causes (I get a lot of flack for using the word “supernatural” in discussions like this…many people hear “supernatural” and assume ghostly apparitions and drawers/doors opening and closing of their own volition. Supernatural in this instance, refers to a force beyond scientific understanding or the laws of nature). Science is steadily winning, because as we understand more and more about the universe, the gap where a god might function grows smaller and smaller. Every time we learn more, gods have less room to operate. When we learned what caused the sun to move across the sky, there was no need for the Greek god Helios and his chariot. When we understood what caused lightning, there was no need for the Greek god Zeus.”

“The idea of an all-controlling, caring supernatural god is a very attractive one. It can make our lives seem less frightening, more comforting. Somebody’s in control and won’t let bad things happen to us.”

“This article is an argument in support of reason, rationality, intellectual honesty, and truth. We must know truth to act wisely and truth comes from physical reality…why am I doing this? Is it because I want to poke holes in people’s beliefs so that we can take away what makes them happy? No, I’m doing this because I want to know what is true, be intellectually honest, and open to reality.”

The first paragraph should make anyone reading chuckle a bit in spite of themselves, theist or atheist. How silly some of the things we held true back in the days when we truly did believe that a god was responsible for them! It reminds me of the old Japanese belief that earthquakes and tsunamis are causes by a giant catfish living under them and when it rolled over, that’s what caused these disasters. We know that is not the case due to the study of seismology and understanding of how tectonic plates moves against each other. Galileo proved the Earth revolved around the sun, not the other way around. Ben Franklin and his kite proved how lightning works.

We are an intelligent species. We have figured things out by proving them. We have evidence to back these claims and they are widely regarded as fact, hence the desire of an atheist to have hardcore, reliable evidence of a god existing, and so far, we just haven’t found that yet.

Now, this is where I begin to waver a bit in my personal philosophy, and the reason for this post. For the most part, I am with science. However, I also keep an objective mind that science isn’t 100% fail-proof and fact. There are things scientists do not know, and to their credit, state they don’t know why certain things work as they do. As Mark Thomas writes later, “when faced with the unknown, let’s first note that it’s perfectly okay to say, ‘I don’t know,’ or ‘we don’t know,’–just as it would have been when people in the past asked, ‘what causes lightning or tornadoes?’ or countless other questions for which we now have straightforward scientific explanations. Obviously, just because we don’t know how something happened does not mean that a god did it. Relegating an explanation of something to a god is easy; a person doesn’t have to think much…we can’t simply explain something mysterious by appealing to something more mysterious for which there is less evidence.”

I realize that is slightly contradictory, but I think I made my point–pure and simple, there are things we don’t know, but instead of claiming a god is responsible, we are committed to solving this problem and finding a solution. This appeals to my senses and goes back to when I was a small child and would constantly ask my father questions about things. No, Dad, wind isn’t caused by trees sneezing.

Mark’s second and third paragraphs kind of slapped me upside the head because those few sentences sum up my own beliefs and my thoughts of religion. Of COURSE the idea of something greater than ourselves, watching over us and protecting us is a good one.  We aren’t alone on this giant chunk of rock after all. We have a watchman in the sky looking out for us and he won’t let anything bad happen to us! And most people believe in God purely based on the design of the world: “the sunset is beautiful!” giving a god credit for the beauty and good in the world, but what about the bad things? Who gets credit for that? “Praise God for this horrible forest fire that destroyed millions of acres of trees and killed thousands of animals!” What loving god would also inflict pain and suffering to his followers?

I also have difficulty debating with theists because I have close family members who believe in God. I am not going to go up to them and tell them they are foolish for their beliefs because who am I to dictate what they believe in, especially if this gives them comfort and makes them happy? To do so is dangerous and cavalier of me. I do know some atheists who enjoy doing so to theists and that’s behavior that I do not acknowledge.

The key to being a good atheist–hell, a good person in general– is to practice compassion and keep an open mind towards other beliefs; just because they are not your own doesn’t make them false or wrong by any means.

I think I’m done with writing about atheism for a while. It sparks such an emotional response from people and the air is thick with debate and I hate conflict. I just want people to get along. It’s a pipe dream, I realize, but dang it. Let’s make it happen anyway.

Until then, whatever you believe in, I will remain yours fondly,

Erin

Erin the Atheist back for round two. The air is a-buzz with anticipation, I can tell.

Today’s heavy sigh-inducing topic is death.

The other day at work, one of my co-workers received a pamphlet from a patient about death. This pissed me off for a number of reasons: 1) soliciting any sort of material is forbidden, so…get the fuck out of here. 2) Actually, the first reason is the only reason. Unless you’re handing out pamphlets on a new invasive cardiology procedure, just don’t bother. The only reason I kept the dumb thing was because I was incredulous by the subject, which I will of course share and you can join me in going, “uh…what?”

DEATH

“Will you agree that we all must face the fact that one day death will come knocking at our door? Have you thought about it much? Why must this happen? Is there some rule that says we must die?”

Yes, cliché aside, death will come “knocking at our door,” and yes, I have thought extensively about death, as I tried to hasten my death by trying to commit suicide, so I am well aware that death is imminent. Why must we die? Well, it’s called the life cycle. We’re born and those of us that are lucky enough to be brought into this world easily and without the plethora of ailments that tragically take newborn babies from this life without having gotten a chance to live for more than a few moments, we spend an average of 75+ years living and then, by nature’s design, we die. The “rule” to dying is there is no rule. We have no control over how long we live, unless we decide to die by our own hand.

“Death is natural you say? Yes, it is true, currently death is natural–but this was not God’s intent. God created man to live, but man rejected Him. God, alone, is the source of life. Separated from God, man can only experience death.”

Okay, okay, okay…I see what  you’re doing here and having been raised on the Christian belief system for 20 of my 30 years, I get it. You’re speaking of death metaphorically now. Those without God in their lives are dead inside. Clever.

“Death started with our first ancestor, Adam. God created him ‘very good’ and gave him a lot of freedom. Only one restraint was laid upon him and its purpose was to prevent man from knowing evil. Wanting, though, to be like God, Adam exercised his will against God and went his own way separate from God. Remember, apart from God there is no life and man’s nature, in Adam, is a process of death for all (See Genesis 2 through 3, plus Romans 5:12).”

This is where I start getting defensive and raise the argument: God planned this whole thing. God is letting man suddenly decide the fate of the human race? God has no say in what happened? Evil was present in the Garden of Eden and God didn’t foresee this happening and put the kabash on this? Omnipotent, my butt. To place all the grief of the world on the shoulders of man is messed up. God has an agenda, friends. Strike one for why I renounced my Christianity and went atheist.

“It is man’s nature to think that he can ‘make his own way’ and that he has ‘free will.’ In the way that God requires, man thinks that he does not have to obey. Think about that ‘free will’ that man believes he possesses. The Bible says we are enslaved to the fear of death in Hebrews 2:15. If we are enslaved to the fear of death, then that says man does not have free will. The very reality of death disproves the claim that man has free will. If man truly had free will,  he could choose not to die, or to suffer at all. He cannot do this as we know. Death will come knocking at our door. We stated that God is the source of life but man had separated himself from God. What prevents God from giving man life today?”

[pinches bridge of nose as a mighty headache is brewing]

What? What in the…what? First of all, I have the Fleetwood Mac song “Go Your Own Way” stuck in my head now. Secondly, I’m so confused. Again, I realize the gist of this entire thing is this:  BELIEVE IN GOD AND BE NOT AFRAID OF DEATH FOR THROUGH SALVATION IN HIM, WE WILL GO TO HEAVEN AND SUFFER NOT EARTHLY STRIFE.  But now it’s just nonsensical contradiction in terms and making stuff up to elicit fear. Strike two, religion. I remember from my grade school days being taught about the devil and being scared shitless. It’s that same kind of “scared straight” tactics that annoy me and do more harm than good. Also, I just can’t get over this thought that if God is so freaking pissed at us for going against his way, why not just wipe the slate clean and start over? Oh…that’s right. Because God is a product of humans. We created HIM. Silly Erin, always with the forgetting.

GOD’S VIEW OF MANKIND (this may be my favorite part of the pamphlet)

“ALL MEN ARE SINNERS.

Do you object that nobody is perfect? Then neither are you perfect? You then agree with God that we are all sinners deserving of death to which we are enslaved. This death is not just having your cadaver stuffed into a grave. There is existence after death. For many, probably most, this will be a horrible existence in outer darkness with weeping and gnashing of teeth plus fire. See Matthew 22:13 and Revelations 21:8 for glimpses. Dismal? This picture is pretty dismal. Is there no hope for man?”

Great googly moogly. Although, “wailing and gnashing of teeth” has always been one of my favorite lines from the Bible and the “plus fire” thing was a nice touch. I keep thinking of Beavis and Butthead: FIRE! FIRE! No, I’m not perfect, that’s true. However, there is no existence after death. None. As I stated before, we live and we die. We stop living as soon as our hearts stop beating and our upper brain functions cease. Your body is buried underground where it starts its natural decomposition process. There is no life after death, unless you’re Tupac and keep posthumously releasing cd’s, but other than that, there’s nothing. This is something I don’t really like to discuss with people because this is the most touchy of the religious subjects to get into. For example, take my dad. After his wife passed away from cancer over two years ago, he submerged himself into his faith and became a born-again Christian. That’s how he’s choosing to deal with the untimely death of his wife and that’s his decision. If wanting to believe that after he dies he will be reunited with his wife in heaven, let him believe that. If it offers him comfort in his despair, I am not going to deny him that. I understand the wanting to believe this will happen, but I’ve had this discussion with other atheist, all whom have also lost loved ones. I am more of the thought that while having a beloved person in your life die unexpectedly is a tragedy and I have nothing but empathy and compassion for your grief, keep these people close to your hearts and alive in your memories of them. I liken this whole “being reunited with all your loved ones” thing to agreeing to meet someone on top of the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day. You want to see this person so badly, your anticipation is overwhelming and you’re so excited to be with them again, but once you get there, they never show up.

THERE IS HOPE

“The amazing thing is this, even though can (each man) tells God to ‘take a hike’ God still loves us.

But God demonstrated His own love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

There is a penalty for sin, it is death. This is a death that commits a person to eternal misery. This ‘wage’ is the just payment by a righteous judge (God) for our rebellion against Him. The only way out is for someone else, who is guiltless, and who is both God and man, to make this payment. Jesus Christ, the God/man came to earth, lived a perfect life, holy as His Father in heaven is holy, and was unjustly condemned and crucified on Mt. Calvary for my sin, for your sin, for the sin(s) of the whole world.”

[sigh]

I don’t like this one bit. I really don’t. God still loves us even when we tell him to fuck off. Yes, he’s SO loving, isn’t he? Don’t believe in him, be a godless sinner and die because you sin against God and spend an eternity burning in the fiery pits of hell, but don’t let that get you down, little buddy–God still loves you, even when you’re on fire and suffering. That’s so neat, really. God is so loving, in fact, he made himself into human form because people were freaking out about talking to burning bushes all the time, so he impregnated a virgin with himself as a prophet  for humanity, to speak the love of God and his good will, but people were all like, “dude’s whack. Let’s kill this guy!” So God then allowed humans to kill himself, but that’s okay because He totally planned this all, you guys. He totes sent himself to be murdered and because he did that, you’re all forgiven. Just believe in this wackadoo story, otherwise, you know…hell and damnation and the gnashing.

Strike three for religion.

The rest of the pamphlet is pretty redundant and keeps going on about Jesus dying for our sins and yadda blah dee dah.

I leave you with this quote from Robert Green Ingersoll:

“If there is a God who will damn his children forever, I would rather go to hell than to go to heaven and keep the society of such an infamous tyrant. I make my choice now. I despise that doctrine. It has covered the cheeks of this world with tears. It has polluted the hearts of children, and poisoned the imaginations of men. It has been a constant pain, a perpetual terror to every good man and woman and child. It has filled the good with horror and with fear; but it has had no effect upon the infamous and base. It has wrung the hearts of the tender, it has furrowed the cheeks of the good. This doctrine never should be preached again. What right have you, sir, Mr. clergyman, you, minister of the gospel to stand at the portals of the tomb, at the vestibule of eternity, and fill the future with horror and with fear? I do not believe this doctrine, neither do you. If you did, you could not sleep one moment. Any man who believes it, and has within his breast a decent, throbbing heart, will go insane. A man who believes that doctrine and does not go insane has the heart of a snake and the conscience of a hyena.” 

Thanks for reading.

Erin

Oh, astrology, you silly bitch. I have such a love/hate relationship with astrology. Being a fairly intelligent, well-rounded individual, I like to read my horoscope, even though I know it’s based on generalities that anyone can find some sort of truth in: “you can be moody and difficult to be around at times.” OH MY GOD, THAT’S AMAZING, HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?! THAT’S SO TRUE!!

See? But then there are some things that make even the skeptic in me go “huh.”

According to the sun, moon, stars and Miss Cleo, I’m a Cancer. A crab. And for the immature among us, the symbol is “69″ which we all know is funny for a lot of reasons.

And now, Fun With The Zodiac, courtesy of http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com*:

*Author’s note: I copy and pasted this bitch and have not changed anything this website wrote, so hopefully you don’t think I’m a terrible, shitty writer with poor use of punctuation and grammar, because good gravy, there are some doozies in here. End note.

Cancer Strengths:

- Loyalty
- Dependable
- Caring
- Adaptable
- Responsive

These are pretty accurate. I’m a loyal friend and you can count on me, baby. I’m caring/nurturing; after all, I work in healthcare. It’s kind of a requirement. Adaptability, sure. Responsive, okay.

Cancer Weaknesses:

- Moody
- Clingy
- Self-pitying
- Oversensitive
- Self-absorbed

Moody? Yes. I am. Clingy? Yes. Self-pitying? Sure. Over-sensitive? I can be. Self-absorbed? Sometimes.

Cancer and Independence:

Cancer is the astrology sign that is packed full of contradictions, so when it comes to independence, they possibly can or can not be independent. On one side, they have the perseverance and drive to do what needs to be done. They are self-sufficient and do not need to depend on other people for the material and physical things in life. On the other hand, they depend on people for emotional support and encouragement. A Cancer that is not fully self-actualized will need the constant support of others and will not be very independent but the Cancer that is ‘evolved’ and has properly harnessed their emotional issues will be wildly successful as an independent human being. They crave attention and comfort from other people and they are happiest when they have a small, close knit group of friends or family.

This made me chuckle, mostly because it’s poorly worded and makes no sense whatsoever. I’m independently dependent? Or I’m dependent upon my independibility? OR I’m depending upon my independence to make a dependent independence for the dependibility? It is true, however, about the attention seeking nature, because LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME!!

Cancer and Friendship:

Cancer is extremely loyal to those who appreciate and support them, they are the nurturer of the zodiac and will protect and cherish the person for a long time. One of the greatest things about Cancer is their ability to make others feel good about themselves and loved. This is because instead of doing this for themselves, they project this onto other people. This is a positive cycle because in making others feel nurtured, wanted and loved, they in return feel good for making someone feel good. Other people can lean on and depend on cancer, they will listen to people’s problems and help them however they will rarely express their own deep feelings to anyone. People who want to share deep emotional thoughts and opinions with a Cancer might feel that the scales are tipped on one side for cancer will rarely reveal it’s true deep feelings. A friend of Cancer is usually a lifelong devoted friend that can be trusted.

Five simple words: me love you long time. 

Cancer and Business:

Once cancer resolved their emotional issues such as shyness and insecurity, the powerful character will shine though, there is practically nothing they can’t do. They have incredible perseverance and will stand up for what they believe in. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake. They are excellent business people and investors because of their intuitive and psychic ability and their creative forward thinking mind, they are able to predict future trends. They attract wealth very well and know where to invest. Money and financial well being is very important to Cancer and this can help their drive in business. They need financial security and if they allow themselves to properly focus their energy and do not allow their emotions to over take them, they are more then capable of obtaining their financial goals and being incredibly successful business people.

Once Cancers get over their emotional baggage, shyness and insecurities, we’re unstoppable, like a runaway train. And we’re rich, bitch! So, like a runaway money train. I admit, I need to tap into this resource because homegirl be broke right now. And honestly, the thought of me being a successful business person is hysterical. Buy! Sell! Trade! Buy that and then sell it! Trade that with that thing and then sell it and trade it!

Cancer Temperament:

They are complex, fragile, unpredictable and temperamental and need constant support and encouragement, more then any other astrology signs, Cancer needs to be needed. Even when all needs are satisfied, they can be irritable and cranky. They have an uneasy, delicate temperament. The contradictory nature of Cancer gives their temperament the wild mood swings and possible temper tantrums. They are easily offended and will sulk and wallow in self pity for a long time when they get hurt.

I should keep track of how often the words “temperament” and “contradiction” are used. It’s a lot. Anyway, yes, I’m complex. Ask my ex-husband. On a serious note, the part about being needed is actually very true. I want you to want me. Please. However, I don’t think I sulk or wallow. I’m not a pig, for Christ’s sake. I do blame myself for things that aren’t in my control, though. Huh. 

Cancer Deep Inside*:

*Author’s note: sounds like a porn title. I digress.

It is difficult for cancer to open up and have a close emotionally fulfilled relationship with someone because they are so closed off emotionally and physically to the world. This is driven by their fear of trust, Cancer has a difficult time trusting people. This causes built up anger and resentment inside, the contradictory nature really takes a toll on them and they can have a negative outlook on life, thinking that life is just too hard and miserable. This is unfortunate because when good experiences are to be had, they are skeptical of people and their surroundings and they experience tunnel vision due to their depressed outlook and they miss the nice things and happy experiences in life that make it worth living. In addition to lack of trust for people, Cancer is deeply sensitive and easily hurt, this is other reason why they have their defense shell in place, to avoid being hurt by others. Cancer lives in the past. They hold past events close to them and often dwell on the past. They have to learn to let go and live in the present instead of spending their time being sick with nostalgia. Cancer has a lot of emotional issues to deal with but once they overcome this large hump of shyness and insecurity, there is practically nothing they can’t do. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake. Cancer is constantly feeling, feelings and emotions are hallmarks of this sign and this is the root of their problems, human beings are not as evolved in the emotional area and this is where cancer gets the brunt of their problems. They are the ones who have to cope with their strong feelings more so then any other sign. Once properly harnessed, there is nothing that is this powerful astrology sign can not accomplish. Harmony is very important to Cancer, it keeps them happy. Conflict of any kind causes great distress. Deep inside, Cancer is a very powerful sign, they have the ability to stand up for what they think is right and they have lots of perseverance and can be fine on their own provided they don’t let their emotions get the better of them and have the stability they need. They are not fond of change but they have the ability to do what needs to be done, they are not pushovers or lazy people.

Repetition aside, this paragraph also offers some valid points. I don’t like sharing my feelings with people face-to-face. I’d rather write about it. There is one person in this world who bitchslaps me into talking and that’s my mother because she’s a bitch like that. Side note: I love my mommy. Trust issues, yeah yeah yeah, negative outlook on life, depressed…goddamn. And I swear to Yahweh, if I read the phrase “defense shell” one more time, I’m going to go medieval on someone. Oh! Look at me being moody! Cancer characteristic! BOOYA!! I will say that the bit about Cancers being constantly emotional is a huge issue and having to cope with them is a motherfucker because it is. Some have accused me of not caring about them, but on the contrary, I’m dealing with YOUR emotions as well as my own and it is so goddamned tiring that I…go into my shell…(punches self in head for saying that phrase). 

Cancer In A Nutshell*:

*Help! I’m in a nutshell! How’d I get into this giant nutshell!

Cancer is a mysterious sign, filled with contradictions. They want security and comfort yet seek new adventure. They are very helpful to others yet sometimes can be cranky and indifferent. Cancer has a driving, forceful personality that can be easily hidden beneath a calm, and cool exterior. The crab is Cancer’s ruling animal and it suits them well, they can come out of their shell and fight but they can also hide in their shell of skitter away back into the depths of the ocean. They are very unpredictable. With cancer, there is always something more that meets the eye, for they are always partially hidden behind the shell. They are a have a deep psyche and intuitive mind that is hidden from the world. Cancer is deeply sensitive and easily hurt, this might be why they have their defense shell in place, to avoids being hurt by others. They are nurturers so they surround themselves with people, whom after a while can offend or hurt a cancer without even knowing they did so, therefore Cancer’s protective shell keeps them safe from hurt. They are complex, fragile, unpredictable and temperamental and need constant support and encouragement, more then any other astrology signs, Cancer needs to be needed. When cancer gets the support it needs, it has a tremendous amount to offer in return. When cancer gets offended, they tend to sulk instead of confronting the persons face to face. This needlessly prolongs the pain and suffering. Cancer is very possessive, not just with material possessions but with people as well. Cancer will always want to stay in touch with old friends and anyone who has ever been close to them, because it is easier to maintain a friendship then attempt to learn to trust a new person. It is easier this way for them emotionally. If you befriend a Cancer, you will stay friends for a long time. Cancer makes the perfect mother, this is the sign that represents motherhood. They have unconditional love and caring more so then any other astrology sign. Cancer are very intuitive. Most of the psychics of the world are Cancer astrology signs. They have an excellent memory and are very observant and can read people very well. They can usually tell of other people’s intentions are good or not. Never dupe a Cancer, they can see your motives. Cancer has a lot of emotional issues to deal with but once they overcome this large hump of shyness and insecurity, there is practically nothing they can’t do. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake.

I like being called mysterious. It makes me feel like I’m…a…mystery. That wasn’t well thought out. And oh, hey look at that: contradictions makes its eleventy twelfth appearance. I AM tragically cool and hip and calm, that’s pretty spot-on. Also, I’m thinking of taking my shell into the body shop to get some sweet flames painted on it. And if you guys haven’t caught on yet, Cancers are intuitive. I don’t know if that’s been mentioned yet. I’m not going to lie–I read this paragraph and all I see is “temperamental shell protective shell temperamental shell protective shell shell temperamental shell protective temperamental shell.” Oh, but then we talk about unconditional love and how Cancers make good mothers which is interesting to me. Regular readers know that I’m in the midst of a weird lady bits thing where I’m not sure if I can ever become with child, which honestly, that tears me up inside. I want kids, I do. Ideally, I’d like to grow my own, but if I were to meet someone who already owns a kid or two, that’d be totally cool with me. I do not have a good memory. Let me rephrase that–I do and I don’t. I can recall the most bizarre shit, but yet can get up from my desk at work and start walking towards the door with something to do in mind, but once I reach the door, I’ll stop and go, “what the hell was I doing?” Scary, huh? Observant, I am. I love to people watch. Ever been to the Denver International Airport? Primo people watching there, friends. AND I GET IT. CANCERS ARE EMOTIONAL. SWEET JESUS CHRIST. Now, just for the fuck of it, I’m going to start highlighting the word “intuition” because I’m a douchebag like that.

Cancer Love, Sex and Relationships and What’s It’s Like To Date A Cancer Woman:

The Cancer woman is a very sensual woman with deep emotions and passion brewing underneath the exterior. To reach these will require time, patience and tenderness. Do not expect to have her open up to you right away and jump into a relationship. She will not make the first move and will not be forward with you, you have to do all the work. Do not try to lead her on because Cancer woman is very in-tune with a persons motivations and she will see right through you. Trust is the single most important thing to Cancer. If you ever betray her trust, you might as well move on. She needs love and security. Cancer is the perfect woman for the man who loves to sweep a woman off her feet with romance. She is sensual, sweet and flirty and you two will engage in a gentle, flirtatious dance together while the relationship builds. Once there is a solid, secure foundation, the richness of the relationship will emerge. She is old fashioned, feminine and sensual and patient, if you are the man who can give her what she wants, a relationship with a Cancer woman is wholesome and rewarding and can last a lifetime.

Men, take note please. In fact, print this out, laminate it and keep it tucked into your wallet and pull it out (HA!) for a quick reference whenever you’re stumped by me. I’m not kidding. I’ll wait while you do so. But what’s “romance”? Does that exist? That happens? I loved my ex-husband for many reasons, otherwise, I wouldn’t have married the turd, but in the romance department, brother was lacking and holy cow, if someone where to be all romantical and shit with me and be sincere about it, not just do it because you think you have to, I’ll melt. True story. 

How To Attract A Cancer*:

*Coming to CBS this Fall, the hilarious new sitcom “How To Attract A Cancer,” starring Courtney Cox as Cancer! Fridays, only on CBS.

You must be direct, Cancer will not. Let your feelings for them be known, this is the first step to initiating a relationship with a Cancer. This way, will not have to risk rejection, one of their biggest fears. If you are looking for a short fling, be straight with them. Do not lead them on to thinking there is long term commitment is there is none because you will hurt these emotionally delicate people. Trust is the most important. Build trust with them and they will gradually get closer to you. Give them approval and compliments but be careful because they will easily sense when you are complimenting them just for the sake of it. Be sincere. Ask Cancer for advice, share your problems (but don’t burden them), they enjoy helping people and giving advice. They like culture and lavish experiences. Take them to a play or museum and a fancy, upscale restaurant. Do not force Cancer into a relationship or make them make a decision on the spot. They will shy away from you. Have patience, this is the key to attracting a Cancer. Be physical with them, they love genuine affection. They are very cautious and as time passes, they will slowly grow closer to you and you will have wonderful, fulfilling relationship.

True. All of it. I can’t even crack any jokes about this because the truth hurts me. Oh wait, I just read the fancy, upscale restaurant part. That’s nice and all, but I’m from rural Nebraska, bitches. Give me a steak and throw in a good action movie with blood and guts and lots of swearing, and I’ll be set.

Cancer Erogenous Zone:

The greatest erogenous zone for Cancer is the chest and the breasts. Both women and men respond well to light sucking and kissing of the nipples. You must caress these areas delicately and softly. Never be rough. Stroke your fingers through Cancer man’s chest hair, lightly and gently this will ignite the firey passion hidden behind the shell.

[shoulders back, chest forward, fluffs up boobies] I DO DECLARE BULLSHIT ON BEING GENTLE. Sex is no fun unless you get some bite marks and bruises on you. Slap my ass. Wait…what? 

Sex With Cancer:

Cancer is very physical. Expect sex with Cancer to be a fully encompassing sexual experience. Lots of tender foreplay, massages afterwards, candles lit by the bedside, soft music in the background, delicious scented potpourri, everything to appeal to all senses. It will be delicate and passionate and an experience you won’t soon forget. To not expect too much novelty and experimentation because Cancer is a very conservative sign. Some Cancer people might be willing to try something new but they will never be the ones to suggest it, you have to or it will never happen. They might go along with your idea because they do enjoy new experiences. Make them always feel safe and secure when trying anything new and they might love it and incorporate it into your regular sex life.

Again fellas: take note. Foreplay, massages, candles are a nice touch, but you can ditch the potpourri. I want to make sex with you, not smell like fresh baked apple pie or cool linen breeze. 

There you have it, friends. A glimpse into the water sign dominated by the moon. The Crab. If you ask me nicely, I may just pinch your ass.

My first initial reaction is guilt. Despite what some may think, it deeply saddens me that I have caused anyone pain in any way, shape or form. I have always taken some pride in being a caring person and to hear this makes me realize that maybe I’m not who I think I am and need to reevaluate myself and think about others before I write.

My second reaction is anger. This is my personal blog where I am allowed to express myself in whatever way I see fit and if you don’t like what I write, then don’t fucking read it. You know, First Amendment rights and all that.

I find myself at a crossroad now: continue writing without regard to what anyone thinks, or to stop writing all together. I don’t want to cause anyone grief, but on the other hand, this here blog is my therapy. It keeps me sane…or helps me at least claim some semblance of sanity.

So. What to do next? Good question.

Until then…the end?

A shudder coursed through his body, causing goosebumps to raise the hair on his arms and neck. The sun was shining too brightly, the birds were singing too loud, and the woman who lived down the street was walking her dog too fast, her ponytail bobbing up and down too gaily.

A vicious snarl curled his top lip and he spat on the window, a thick, viscous glob of phlegm splattered against it and began oozing down. A fly that had been buzzing around the room landed on the window and carelessly stepped in the slime and got stuck, its wings flapping frantically as it tried to lift itself out, but it was hopeless.

Michael stepped away from the window and hastily drew the curtain shut. “Today is the day,” he said aloud. His black and white cat was laying on top of the dresser and flipped his tail in response, letting out a deep “meow.”

Michael was disgusted with the world and wanted to see it end. He had planned for this day for a while, waiting for the right time and today seemed like a good day to destroy everything.

He walked downstairs to his basement where he had his laboratory and sat down behind his desk and turned his computer on. The screen flicked on and he went to the Department of Defense’s site and hacked into it. He chuckled at how easy it was to get the codes for nuclear weapons.

Michael went upstairs again and made himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and added a layer of potato chips; his favorite snack. He grabbed the jug of chocolate milk from the fridge, poured a glass and took the food back down to the basement, returning to his work station. Michael took a large bite of sandwich and relished the crunch the chips added and took a swig of chocolate milk to wash it down. He wiped his mouth with the back of his shirt sleeve and moved his computer mouse to return the screen to life. The DOD site once more before him.

“This is it. Welcome to nuclear holocaust,” he said as he typed the codes. His finger lingered over the “return” key for a second, then with one quick movement, punched the key.

Today was the day Michael blew up the outside world.

Obligatory end-of-the-year blog post! Let’s look back and reflect and look forward and plan for a new year! Yay!

In general, I don’t do resolutions. I am of the thought that if you want to make a change in your life, do it. Don’t wait for the new year. However, I also see the reasoning behind making resolutions. New year, fresh start and all that jazz.

I went on a vision quest of sorts today; an impromptu road trip to Kansas City, Missouri. Well, a vision quest and to eat barbecue at Arthur Bryant’s. Let me tell you what: that was some damn fine grub. I had burnt ends and french fries all piled high on a plate and smothered in spicy sauce. It was madness in my mouf and I loved every artery-clogging, sodium-increasing, bouts of fire butt-inducing goodness. If you’re ever in the KC area, check the place out.

Anyway, I’m off topic. So, I left on this road trip without a purpose, but yet I wanted to do some thinking. I’m thirty years old now and perhaps entering a pre-midlife crisis. I’ve been at my current job for four years. I’m separated-slash-getting divorced. This holiday season has been rough for me for some reason. I don’t recall last Christmas/New Years because I just had foot surgery and I was doped to the gills on pain medication. I was thinking about that today when trying to decide if and what I wanted to do tonight: “what the heck did I do last year?” Oh yeah…slept on my mother’s recliner and had spontaneous fits of coherency and consciousness.

That’s kind of what this past year felt like to me: in a daze followed with moments of clarity. I wanted to have one of those AHA!! moments today while driving, and I admit I did not. I did, however, make myself a list of things I want to carry out in the coming year.

I was randomly looking online the other day and found some freelance writing jobs that piqued my interest. Freelance is far from glamorous. It’s actually pretty ridiculously tough, actually. Most ads I looked at require submitting at least 3 to 5 articles a day with a 500+ word count. I was turned off by the idea at first because SWEET BABY JESUS THAT’S A LOT OF WRITING, but the more I think about it, I’ve been pretty lackadaisical with writing this year, especially the last few months. If I were to have a freelance gig, this would force me to write more and as the old saying goes, “practice makes perfect.” Goal #1: look for a suitable freelance writing job.

On Christmas Eve at my mom’s house, I was watching Netflix while everyone slept and watched “Backdraft.” If you’re unfamiliar with the premise, it’s about two brothers who are firefighters and the wacky shenanigans involved with fightin’ fires. I was laying on the couch and during a particularly intense scene, I thought, “you know, I should look into becoming an EMT.” I have the utmost respect for emergency medical staff–firefighters, too–and think I might be pretty okay at it. I’m usually calm under pressure…I’ll stop right there. Some of you reading are probably busy snorting whatever liquid you just took a drink of up your nose because you know me and are thinking I’ve lost my damn mind. No, just hear me out: I am calm under stress. It’s AFTER the stressful event that I lose my shit. Big difference. Jerks. Goal #2: look into my options going back to school to become an EMT. (addendum: even if this EMT thing isn’t what I want to pursue, I need to go back to school. If I have any wish to advance in my current field, I need a bachelor’s degree. I do not have a bachelor’s degree. Sure, I have four years experience and my adorable good looks, but that only gets you so far. So regardless, I’m planning on going back to school. Plus, I love school. And I really want an excuse to buy new notebooks and pens and shit again.)

And now, The Girl Who Cried Wolf. I will quit motherfucking smoking if it’s the last motherfucking thing I do, goddamn motherfucking fuck. As I was driving today, I also sucked down a pack of cigarettes and as I was yelling-slash-singing along to songs blasting over my car stereo, I was also coughing and hacking because sweet Jesus Marie, my lungs are probably the size of two used condoms full of tar and arsenic and the lost souls of whaling ship fishermen. Dudes, when I walk up the stairs at work, I am short of breath when I reach the top. Now, that’s also a combination of being about fifty pounds overweight, but still. What a goddamned double-edged sword I have against my throat: fat and a smoker. Uh, hi–I work in a goddamned cardiology practice. What are the two things we try to hammer in our patients heads when they come in with heart troubles? DO YOU SMOKE AND ARE YOU OVERWEIGHT? STOP FUCKING SMOKING AND EAT A CARROT, FATTY. Oh, what’s this? What do I do? I smoke. I am a chunker. Shush up, I am. I complain about my shoddy knee hurting all the time and being tired and I get bronchitis at least once every two months and the laundry list of health complaints is too long and I’m fucking smarter than to keep smoking and eating like a freak, but what do I do? Oh, that’s right: I keep smoking because it “helps relieve my stress” and I keep eating stupid stuff because “I’m an emotional eater.” TTTHHHHHPPPPBBBBFFFFTTTT!!!! I know better. I need to stop smoking and eat like I used to and I actually weighed a respectable weight for a woman of my freakish Amazonian stature. Goals # 3 and 4: Quit smoking and eat a fucking salad.

Then there is the issue of finding a man. This one is tricky. I don’t want to be one of those women who think they don’t amount to jackshit without having a significant other because hi, this is 2011-going-on-2012 and that kind of thinking is toxic to women. You don’t need some guy(or gal) to make your life complete. Sure, it’s nice to have someone. I know I sound like a bra-burning uber-feminist, but seriously. Sure, I’m lonely and sure I wish that it was a man licking my face in the morning and not my dog and sure I haven’t had sex in like, well, it’s been long enough that technically, I am a born-again virgin and sure I want to come home and jump on my significant other’s bone and ride him all the livelong day and the next day and the next day. I want those things. Especially the last part. Oh, dear God…yes a thousand times over to the last part. I have an Indian–pardon me, Native American–name for myself: “Sexually Frustrated of the Needs To Get Laid Tribe.” I digress. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the man thing. Heh…thing…ANYWAY, what I’m trying to say is that I WANT TO HAVE SEX AND I AM REALLY NICE AND I CAN DRESS UP FOR YOU IF YOU WANT IF THAT’S YOUR THING AND I CAN CALL YOU BIG BEAR OR HOT POPPA OR SAY YOUR PENIS IS THE BIGGEST ONE I’VE EVER SEEN. Oh my…you know what? Let’s just skip this part for now. I need a cigarette. HEY. BACK OFF. YOU’RE PROBABLY HAVING SEX WHILE READING THIS. MY DOG LICKS MY FACE. LET. ME. SMOKE. MY. CIGARETTE.

Okay then. There you have it. My four simple tasks for this coming year.

I would like to be serious for a moment because you all knew this was coming (…except for me…ahem…): I want to thank you all  for reading this blog, so that’s what, my mom and Tommy Pluck? Does that about cover it? To those of you who have stumbled upon this blog randomly…even you, Mr. I Was Looking For Real Naked Women Pictures But Google Sent Me To Your Blog Because Of The Falsely Titled “XXX NUDES” Page: thank you. Thank you for your comments and feedback. Thank you for your support and love and kindness and generosity and I could go on and on. I don’t think a simple “thank you” suffices, but it’s all I can offer you, but please know it’s heartfelt and sincere and without you, I wouldn’t write. It would stay that dusty trinket on the fireplace mantel that you forget is there until you randomly happen upon it one day and remember you have it. Thank you for encouraging me to write. Thank you for everything and I hope this next year brings wonderful things to you all.

And with that, I bid you all good-bye and as always, I faithfully remain,

E

I live in the atheist part of town. I drive an atheist car. I speak with an atheist accent. I wear atheist clothes.

Being an atheist wasn’t a decision I made; I was born this way, and if you can’t accept that, well, I feel sorry for you. I know who I am…most of the time. There was that incident a few months ago where I got pretty intoxicated and thought I was Chuck Norris and started roundhouse kicking people in the head, but other than that, I am aware of who and what I am.

I was raised Christian and attended church, Sunday school and spent my kindergarten through eighth grade years in a parochial school. I was taught the Word of the Lord five days a week for nine years.

I remember my first time doubting that what I was being taught wasn’t what I wanted to learn. It was in the fifth grade and in our daily religion class, we were posed this question:

“If someone where to come into the classroom and ask you if you believed in God or be shot, how would you answer?”

I was eleven years old and had the realization that being shot over one’s religious beliefs was insane. I, of course, answered “confirm my belief in God,” but who the hell wouldn’t answer that, especially an impressionable fifth grader? At that point on, I began to doubt, but because I was child and didn’t yet realize I could have my own thoughts and opinions, I continued doing what I was told. Church was an absolute bore; spending an hour and a half in uncomfortable church clothes, listening to the elderly pastor drone on and on about scripture. I would count all the old women in the congregation who had short, curly, white hair. There were a lot. I would draw on the bulletin and when I got old enough to carry a purse, I would stuff it full of things to entertain myself. My only reprieve came in the fifteen minutes between the end of the service to the beginning of Sunday school.

When I started high school, my parents became more lenient on attending church, simply for the fact I began to have a social life and fighting with a teenager to get up early on a Sunday was a fruitless attempt they soon grew weary of and they would just let me sleep in. Oh, glorious day when that happened!

I stopped attending church after I moved out of the house and lived on my own. Fuck that crap! I was free! I would get dragged to church on the prerequisite holidays like Easter and Christmas. I remember how awkward that was to hear members of the church come up to me and make off-handed comments about my lack of attendance, and could see their eyes judging me.

When I got married and moved away, the church would still send me the monthly newsletter. I finally got tired of them and the paper they were wasting on me and wrote a letter to the board members asking to be released from the church. They wrote back, of course, and urged me to “find another church family in your town.” Yeah…okay.  I’ll get on that.

During this time, I didn’t consider myself an atheist, though. I was just a “lost child of God” as one of the board members so eloquently put it. I wish I had kept that letter, because as I recall, it was eye-roll inducing.

I didn’t start thinking of myself as an atheist until I met my then-husband and his family. Similar to me, he had been raised Catholic (the poor darling) and as I did, drifted away. His older sister was the only confirmed atheist of the family, with my ex-husband and his little sister slowly edging towards atheism, and their mother tagging along behind them.

I became enlighted whenever I heard my sister-in-law talk about the scientific aspect of the earth. As a child, I was taught straight out of Genesis: on the first day, God created Heaven and Earth and it was good, so on and so forth until he had made land, sea, fish and mammals, plants and trees, the moon and stars, and then finally, his greatest creation–Adam. In his own image, no less! Made from the dirt that God himself just whipped together in his cosmic Easy Bake Oven. God saw Adam was a lonely guy, so he stole a rib from him and made him a mate. The Barbie to Adam’s Ken, if you will.

The Earth, according to Christians is only a few thousand years old, not the millions of years old that we wacky atheists believe. There were no dinosaurs, and don’t even think about bringing up the Big Bang Theory. Just don’t. There’s no way the earth just…happened. No way. Evolution is a theory for madmen and those that believe in it should be stoned to death for their blasphemy.

I became more aware scientifically that you know, the Earth probably isn’t as young as Christians claim. And what about the dinosaurs? And I fully believe in the evolutionary process. I’ve seen it in action. Scientists have done a hell of a job proving religion is…well, wrong.

That was my first poke in the atheist direction. The second came when things in my life took a headfirst dive into shit fan. Everything was changing, and not for the better. Tragedy seemed everywhere…that’s when I began to examine this whole religion thing even more closely. How could a God that claimed to love us unconditionally and wants us to be happy and treat others the way we want to be treated, to not commit adultery, murder, theft, covet our neighbor or his belongings, etc let so many wicked, vile, disgusting things happen to us? There’s war, drought, starving people, crime galore! What the fuck, God? The 1980′s musical group “XTC” perfectly sums up my thoughts on God in their song “Dear God.” Here are the lyrics:

“Dear god, hope you get the letter and…
I pray you can make it better down here
I don’t mean a big reduction in the price of beer
But all the people that you made in your image
See them starving in the street
‘Cause they don’t get enough to eat from god
I can’t believe in you

Dear god, sorry to disturb you but…
I feel that I should be heard loud and clear
We all need a big reduction in amount of tears
And all the people that you made in your image
See them fighting in the street
‘Cause they can’t make opinions meet about god
I can’t believe in you

Did you make disease and the diamond blue?
Did you make mankind after we made you?
And the devil too!

Dear god don’t know if you noticed but…
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book
And us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look
And all the people that you made in your image
still believing that junk is true
Well I know it ain’t, and so do you
Dear god
I can’t believe in
I don’t believe

I won’t believe in heaven or hell
No saints, no sinners, no devil as well
No pearly gates, no thorny crown
You’re always letting us humans down
The wars you bring, the babes you drown
Those lost at sea and never found
And it’s the same the whole world ’round
The hurt I see helps to compound
That father, son and holy ghost
Is just somebody’s unholy hoax
And if you’re up there you’ll perceive
That my heart’s here upon my sleeve
If there’s one thing I don’t believe in

It’s you
Dear god”

My thoughts exactly. Yes, the religious among you might be saying, “Erin, you’re just angry at God.” Yes. I am. He is supposed to be this benevolent being, but in fact, he demonstrates utter malevolence and I simply cannot believe in anything that promotes that. The Bible is full of “love thy neighbor” mumbo jumbo yet God willingly inflicts all these terrible things upon his people. “God never gives us more than we can handle; everything happens for a reason.” No, God doesn’t give us more than we can handle because there is no God, so be quiet, Junior. You’re right–everything does happen for a reason. I cut my hand on a knife, I’m going to bleed. Cause and effect. We learned this concept in grade school. Very good recollection skills.

The third strike for religion in my book comes from the bigotry displayed by every religion. I’m not singling out one specific group because all are guilty of it. Christians shun Buddhists because they don’t believe in God, but a different deity. Everyone hates the Jews. Catholics think their papal shit doesn’t stink, all while molesting children. No one religion is wrong, but all of them are in the same breath.

And it’s not just the religious pissing match that I detest. It’s religion itself. I’m supposed to give tithings to the church: 1/10th of my income, to be exact. All of this goes directly to God. Can I get a receipt for that, please? I want to make sure God got it and is going to use it for something worthy, and not blow it on a poker match between him, Peter, Paul and Elvis. No hookers and blow either, God. Remember what happened last time? Yeah.

I recall with disgust when a church here in town expanded. It was a fairly large church to begin with, but we’re talking a metroplex of a church now. It looms large in the horizon and I wonder if these Christians recall the story from Genesis, chapter 11: The Tower of Babel. “Hey guys, let’s build this sweet tower thing! It’s going to be awesome sauce!” “Hi, I’m God and I don’t like this shit, so KABLEWIE!! I’M GOD, BITCHES!” Now, I know that’s not exactly verbatim, but it’s pretty damn close. Lost in translation, if you will, because that’s how the bible rolls. It’s a giant documentation of the game of telephone. “No, you idiots! I said I wanted to listen to ‘Tears For Fears,’ not ‘wander the desert for forty years’!”

My point is this: the church uses the hard-earned money of its congregation to fund projects like these. It’s a contradiction in terms! We’re going to use this money and make the biggest, most bestest church EVAH and God will love us forevers! No, you ding dongs. God gets pissed off when you do shit like this.

So, tithing is bullcrap. This breaches a whole “We are the 99%” topic I don’t want to discuss, but I’ll do it briefly for the sake of making a point: most church-goers are middle to lower class citizens who realistically cannot afford to part with 1/10 of their annual income. There are mouths to feed, bills to pay, etc. “But God will provide.” Okay, fine. You give God $3000 and watch as he returns the favor by what’s this? He didn’t provide for you after all? Really? Well, slap my ass and call me a biscuit. That’s shocking, really. I can’t believe God did that to you. Bad God! No cookie for God. That was a naughty God. Again, not the most useful analogy, but I hope you get the picture.

We’ve got bigotry, frivolous spending, what else? Oh, yes…

Let’s now discuss the atheist versus theists argument.

I, by nature, hate confrontation. I loathe it. It makes me uncomfortable and want to crawl inside a hole until the whole thing blows over. I just want people to get along. A simple dream, but I am also a realist and know that this is never going to happen. The old adage “agree to disagree” seems lost in this ongoing debate between those that believe and those that don’t. I am of the thought that while I don’t share your beliefs, I’m not going to call you an idiot or stupid or uneducated for your thoughts. I will urge you to look at both sides of the equation instead of your own single-minded processes. I know people who poke theists with their atheist sticks and that just annoys and frustrates me, but it goes both ways. There are theists out there that mock and ridicule us atheists for our lack of believing in their god.

As Penn and Teller say, “and then there’s this asshole…”

Ladies and gentlemen, I know him only as @GodsWordIsLaw on Twitter, and he embodies everything of what I dislike about religion. I should have known this guy was going to hash my browns when I saw his profile picture: it’s the gay flag with the international symbol for “no” or “do not.” The first time I saw it, my blood instantly began to boil.

As you can see, he’s a real nice guy and I hope we can be friends. And by “friends,” I mean I want to kick him in the head with a pair of steel-toed boots made out of nails and porcupine quills. This is the kind of crap that I cannot tolerate. I especially love the top tweet. From what I gather, this chucklefuck believes he can speak with God and we’re in for another rapture on New Years Eve. When asked about what Gee Oh Dee said to him, the second from the bottom tweet cracks me up: “God spoke to the faithful tonight and gave us details. I am not at liberty to divulge.” Uh…okay? You’re going to withhold pertinent information from your fellow godoholics? Did God swear you to secrecy? Make you pinkie swear? Cross your heart and hope to die or stick a needle in your eye? I can’t help but laugh at people like this. The psychology community has a word for them, as well: paranoid schizophrenia. Hearing voices? Delusions of grandeur? Thoughts that everyone is out to get them? Interesting indeed.

But wait! There’s more! Meet the guy that probably wants to do things to my buddy Keith here that would make the residents of Sodom and Gomorrah blush. Friends, may I introduce to you @LoveGod50:

Oh yeah. Patrick wants to fondle Keith’s balls alright. Fondle them good.

I know, I know…I’m doing it myself. Being hateful, not fondling Keith’s nuts, I mean. But it’s people like these two that make it so freaking easy to do! I mean, COME ON. I find it ironic though, and I’ll tell you why: these two fine gentlemen claim to be bathing in God’s love and are the ultimate Christian soldiers of the Lord. If these two dorks are such God-fearing Christians and claim to follow the Bible to the t, they should not be so hateful towards us lowly atheists. Here me out–instead of firing back with bullshit like Keith has when someone challenges his beliefs, he should practice what he preaches: forgiveness. My absolute favorite retort when I do get into a religious debate  is “forgive me.” Your God says to forgive people like us, so…do it. Don’t hate the player, hate the game, baby.

Religion, man…religion. I really could go on and on about this, but I’m going to end up repeating myself and getting angry and then I’ll start emotional eating and I’ve already eaten like, two cookies and some beef jerky and a thing of Triscuits tonight, so I’ll stop before my waistline expands any further.

I hope I’ve maybe shed some light on this for you, at least my own personal reason for being an atheist. Don’t you dare pity me or offer me prayers because that is insulting to me and an empty gesture. “I’ll pray for you” translates to “I don’t understand what you’re going through and can’t help you so I’ll just pray for you instead.”

I am an atheist. I can’t believe something like this is even an issue between people, but if we are still hung up on skin color and you not speaking English as your first language, I’m afraid it always will be one, and if that isn’t heartbreaking, I don’t know what is. Your god says to practice tolerance and love, yet you are the least willing to prove that, and this is why I feel sorry for you. Have a nice life because if you can’t accept me for who I am, I don’t want you in mine.

Peace,

Erin

He reaches into his leather coat pocket and pulls out a pack of smokes and his Zippo. He flips the top of the lighter, the flame devouring the end of the cigarette in fire. He inhales deeply and harshly blows a stream of grey smoke between his pursed lips.

“Jesus Christ…” he mutters under his breath and takes another drag.

He was told to be at this specific location at 9:00 p.m. on the dot. The phone call from the unknown man was very adamant about this. Not a minute too soon or too late: 9:00 p.m. or the deal is off. John takes his cell phone out of his front pants pocket and looks at the time–9:14 p.m. He’s been walking this parking lot for nearly fifteen minutes. Why did he have to be on time and this guy late? The nerve of some people…

John huffs furiously on his smoke, burning it halfway down with one drag. He started doubting his decision to be here. This was stupid, and not to mention probably very illegal, but the offer was too good to pass up, so that’s why he stood impatiently waiting in an empty parking lot.

John then reached into his coat again and patted a thick manilla envelope that was pressed against his chest. Five thousand dollars was in there; a huge amount of money to John and he couldn’t believe he was parting with it so easily, but it was going to be worth it.

At twenty after nine, John saw headlights at the entrance to the lot and he tensed up. A black sedan slowly turned in and approached John and stopped a few feet in front of him. The drivers side window went down and inside sat a tiny man with fiery orange hair and a cigar jammed into the corner of his mouth which he was gnawing on like a stick of beef jerky. So this was Jimmy “The Fart” Consella, huh? John expected a much more menacing-looking man, not this Keebler Elf.

“You Davies?” Jimmy growled in a deep voice. He didn’t look at John, but stared straight ahead, his face illuminated by the pale blue glow of his dashboard lights.

“Yeah,” John had to stifle a laugh and covered it by coughing.

“You got the money, Davies?”

John patted the front of his coat in response.

Jimmy leaned over to the passenger side and grabbed a brown paper bag and shoved it out the window at John. He reached into his jacket and grabbed the envelope, hesitating a second and then placed it in Jimmy’s outstretched hand.

“It’s all there,” John said. Jimmy snorted and put the envelope under the visor, not bothering to count it.

“Pleasure doing business with you, Davies,” Jimmy said as he started to roll up the window.

“Hey, Jimmy? Why do they call you ‘The Fart’?’ asked John. The window stopped and Jimmy turned to look at John, only his eyes and top of his head visible through the crack.

“Because I shouldn’t be trusted, Davies,” he croaked. He rolled up the window and sped out of the parking lot, the tires of the sedan squealing in protest as Jimmy rounded the corner.

John stood frozen in the same spot, all of a sudden very afraid to look in the bag. He reluctantly opened it and peered inside. His heart stopped in his chest and he could feel all the blood draining from his face and his knees started shaking. He dropped the bag on the ground and as it landed on its side, the contents spilled out.

John just paid five large ones for a half-eaten turkey sandwich and an apple core.

Jimmy was right: never trust a fart.