XXX Nudes!

Loser.

No triple x nudes here, friend. I’m sorry, that was a little sneaky, luring you in with promises of naked women and/or men.

So. You’re here. Boy, did you draw the short straw on this one, friend. How on earth did you find me, reading silly little stories from a kid you probably don’t know? What demon did you sell your soul to? Was it worth it? Does your grandma have a new kidney now? Is that why you did this? Well, whatever your reason, I’m happy you’re here.

Because I’m secretly a thirteen-year-old girl, I took more time than what was probably necessary compiling and taking this survey which may or may not have done at work…ahem.

Name: Erin Elizabeth Hoffmeyer Zulkoski

Why that name? My first name is after a girl my mother when to school with, my middle name is after a family friend, my first last name is my maiden name, and my last last name is my married name. I’m thinking of adding another name just because I don’t think I’m fully representing the alphabet.

Three names I go by: E, EZ, ERIN ELIZABETH!!

Birthday: July 4, 1981.

Hometown: Deshler, Nebraska. Home of the Deshler Broom Factory, Reinke Manufacturing and like, seven churches.

Heritage: 3/4 German, 1/8 Irish and 1/8 paprika. Toss gently and serve immediately.

Describe myself in three words: Chubby, snarky, adorable.

Relationship status: In limbo between being separated and divorced. This is what Virgil was writing about in “Dante’s Inferno.” I am the levels of Hell.

Longest relationship? To the man I’m limbo-ing with. Nine years. Nine long, long years.

The song that best describes me: “Head Like A Hole” by Nine Inch Nails.

Favorite gadget: My iPhone. If this thing could cook and clean for me, I’m pretty sure I’d want to be in a long-term domestic partnership with it.

Favorite food: I’m chubby, so let’s go with foods I don’t like instead: raisins, water chestnuts and sweet pickles.

Favorite concert: This is a toss-up between seeing Nine Inch Nails at the Red Rocks Amphitheatre in Denver and my preschool end-of-the-year program when I was four-years-old. We sang a song about daffodils. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

Favorite movies: “Top Secret!”, “The Shawshank Redemption,” “Anchorman,” “Blown Away” (The Tommy Lee Jones/Jeff Bridges one, not the Corey Feldman/Haim one), the entire Star Wars Trilogy. The originals, not the fucked up ones with the super stupid added scenes.

Favorite television shows: I don’t have cable, so my favorite shows are all old, so “The X-Files,” “Mr. Show with Bob and David,” “Kids In The Hall,” “Spaced” (a wicked awesome British sitcom–it’s available to stream on Netflix; check it out!), and “BULLSHIT! with Penn and Teller.”

Addicted to…: Skittles, smoking and love. ROBERT PALMER REFERENCE!!

Prized possession: my Uncle Dean’s Takemine guitar. I don’t know how to play it, so it’s just sitting in the corner of my bedroom, but I will learn some day.

If I could say I wrote one book, which one would it be? “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius” by Dave Eggers. It is a phenomenal book and I wish I had a fraction of this man’s talent.

Who would I want as a prison cellmate? My dad.

What would I be in prison for? Vandalism and urinating in public.

Pet peeve: the epic struggle between my male roommates and I on whose turn it is to do the dishes. IF THERE ARE DISHES IN THE SINK, JUST DO THEM. MY GOD.

First album I ever bought: It was two, actually–”Garth Brooks Greatest Hits,” and the soundtrack to “The Three Musketeers.” Oh yeah.

Last book I read: “And You Shall Know Our Velocity” by Dave Eggers. I really like him, if you couldn’t tell.

Pets: A Red Heeler named Blue. I KNOW, RIGHT?! A RED HEELER NAMED BLUE!!

What do I want written on my tombstone? “Crap.”

Three things that scare me: giant squid, deep ocean water, and soap scum in bathtubs.

Three physical features that attract me: broad shoulders, eyes and kissable lips.

Three things I want to do before I pass from this mortal coil: 1) do a stand-up comedy routine at a venue, 2) write and submit a full-length novel, and 3) visit Germany.

I started this here blog back in May 2007, and I know what you’re thinking: “Great. Another blog. What makes you think that I want to read what you have to say?” Well, I don’t expect you read this, but you are here, so….jokes on you, friend. I didn’t start this to feed my ego or start a revolution. I just wanted to start something that I knew I would love to do. Plain and simple as that. I love to write, and this is writing, in its most annoying form, yes, but still writing nonetheless. And you have to admit, some of the stuff I come up with is pretty entertaining. Go on…it’s okay. The first step to recovery is admitting you have the problem.

That about sums it up. I hope you enjoy what you read here. If not, well, that’s the beauty of this great country we live in–if you don’t like it, don’t read it.

Faithfully yours,

Erin